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Reading 2 min.
in collaboration with
Siyana Mincheva (Psychologist, psychotherapist)
It can be difficult to find the person who suits you, in order to have a lasting relationship, for different reasons. Fear of commitment or not being in tune with the person you meet are part of it. This is when a so-called “push-pull” dynamic sets in within the couple. What does that mean ? Explanations from Siyana Mincheva, psychologist.
Finding the right person to make a life for yourself is a complex process: you have to meet the right partner, but also at the right time, so that each person gets attached to the personality of the other and wants to get to know them…
So many elements, to which is added the fact of not having the same desires at the same time: when for example one of the partners wants to become more involved in the relationship, while the other flees commitment . In this situation, a so-called “push-pull” dynamic can set in.
What is push-pull dynamics?
“The push-pull dynamic is a form of emotional insecurity on the part of one of the two partners in the couple” explains psychologist Siyana Mincheva. “There is one partner who demands much more commitment in the relationship, while the other has a repulsive reaction, he seeks the opposite“.
Like a person lacking air, the psychologist adds that the second half perceives this dynamic as “pollution of its environment, it cannot oxygenate itself“.
A dynamic that works in cycle
The problem with this way of working is that it takes place over time and quickly becomes cyclical. While one wants commitment in the relationship, expects proof of love, the other tries to withdraw and flee, on the contrary. “At the beginning, everything starts under the best auspices, then the couple faces difficulties, and the image of the other changes. analyzes Siyana Mincheva. “Many external events, such as daily life or work, weigh on the couple and their dynamic“.
Often, in response to this escape, the partner, after this phase of excessive commitment, will tend to withdraw, due to the anxiety felt following his or her partner’s reaction.
“Put words on evils to get through them”
According to the psychologist, the couple who enters into this dynamic has little chance of getting out of it. “The push-pull dynamic in the couple is a unbalanced, toxic dynamic which damages the relationship” she further specifies. Above all, you must not let time pass and tell yourself that this will fix things. “Time can be an aggravating factor, because it only accentuates the gap felt by one of the two partners.“.
So what to do? Siyana Mincheva advocates dialogue. “Knowing how to put words to pain is how we find balance in a relationship. The most important thing is to have emotional stability, so that the couple’s dynamic is peaceful. In a balanced torque, the key to success is mutually nourishing each other, being able to rely on the relationship, while finding personal fulfillment.” she concludes.
Slide: 10 signs that your relationship is balanced