The behavior of some children, almost from birth, seems to reflect a frenzied attachment to their mother. They begin to cry as soon as the threat of an estrangement arises, however brief, even regular and repetitive. Why and how does this separation anxiety manifest itself?
This distance means that it will not last and above all that it is part of an unchanging routine: the crèche, and later the school, or else the grandparents who can welcome them for a few days and whom these children know yet since their birth. These are tears, sometimes heartbreaking, almost desperate, that forbidden parents do not understand. In some cases, they start as soon as their mother wants to take their pajamas off, since that’s the first step before a separation. This attitude is all the more surprising in that these children are often ahead in their motor development, in the acquisition of language. AT Kindergarten, once their tears have dried, they give full satisfaction. We really cannot evoke a delay, nor even an affectivity which would not have hardened, since their language, their reasoning, their whole attitude would rather reflect a good maturity of thought.
Separation, a mandatory step?
It seems futile to wait for an improvement that would come with time, new wisdom and a more structured reason. These tears escape all reason, they spring up almost systematically when a separation from their mother begins, they are uncontrollable. We say “he can’t stand the separation”in reference to separation anxiety, as if it were a mandatory step that all children must take and which, in his case, lasts a little longer. One then expects an improvement which will not fail to occur when the child, so rapidly distraught, thinks of the joys which await him: exciting games, friends, the discovery of knowledge, the exercise of an art, all activities which are offered to him in abundance outside and which he cannot find at home with this prodigality. Besides, this child likes to draw, he appreciates music, he immediately retains the poems and songs that are introduced to him. He is not cut off in his corner, he makes up his mind, he has already acquired the wisdom that allows him to resign himself to the inevitable. Driven by his curiosity of mind, he appreciates what is offered to him, but a background of sadness can be seen. He does not want to distinguish himself excessively from other children, he does not want to constantly attract attention and perhaps have to face questions which he would be hard pressed to answer. This wisdom, already of a philosophical nature, suggests that he is a gifted child, which tests generally confirm.
Basic concern
Over time it becomes more reasonable, her tears are more rare, they occur in unusual situations or when the separation must last. There remains a discreet sadness, a cloud that dissipates leaving only a tiny trace, like a fleeting shadow quickly erased, perhaps the reflection of a melancholy with distant roots. There is also a basic concern, which nothing justifies, it would be a latent state of alert, but so tenuous that it does not seem to justify a therapeutic approach. This horror of separation is not the mark of too strong an attachment, which would be, in this form, an immature, infantile and selfish attitude, but rather the expression of a deep anguish. This child can’t stand being away from his mother because he worries about her. He fears that, deprived of the warmth and love he brings her, she will wither away. His mother was able to go through difficult times during the pregnancy, the causes, all legitimate, are not lacking: bereavements which affect closely, serious illnesses among the relatives, a couple in distress, the reasons giving rise to anxiety, always justified, are legion. Sometimes it’s the baby’s condition that causes concern, something seems wrong, nothing sure, but…
A mission to fulfill
The baby arrives in perfect condition, his vitality allays any anxiety about him. He is a source of pure happiness for his mother who draws from this exchange the strength to face the disasters that surrounded her while she was waiting for him. These more or less foreseen dramas occur, the attentive baby who has grasped his mother’s upheaval instinctively applies himself to consoling her, reassuring her, by giving her a glimpse of a happier future, since he will be there to compensate for the causes of his suffering. Gifted babies, with their extreme sensitivity, immediately understand the intensity of the dramas and the imperative necessity of their mission. The first times, the baby fulfills this mission almost without interruption. He must also take care of himself, assimilate an incredible quantity of data at all times and also sleep, even if he is animated by an energy beyond all measure. His mother is never far away, the sound of her voice, her smell and the touch of her hands reassures him. She is happy to take care of him, he fulfills his mission to perfection, even if he feels her sad and tormented, he knows that he transmits to her a little of his own vitality, which is immense.
An unbearable anguish
The tragedy occurs unexpectedly: his mother is moving away, she has entrusted him to others who will take care of him, but she is no longer there, he no longer sees her, he no longer sees her. feel more. She is far from her source of strength, she is destitute, she may not have known how essential her baby’s mission was, or she left against her will… The baby is then invaded by an incoercible, unbearable anxiety. It is obvious that those who try to calm him do not understand the reasons for these inexhaustible tears and cries of deep distress. They tell her “she will come back”, but no one knows what state of interior disrepair she is in, only her baby is aware of it, they have put her in a situation where she is missing her mission. He realizes his powerlessness, whereas, until then, the question had not arisen and he discovers to what extent he depends on the decisions of others, without even taking the trouble to try to grasp the whole of the situation. He’s the only one who knows and his means of expression are very limited, he has no words to explain what he feels. Thereafter, these words will always fail him. He will have buried, with other equally strong feelings, the causes of this devastating anguish. If we mention him, it will be to say that he was so attached to his mother that he could not bear to be separated from her and he will believe in this plausible and banal version. As an adult, he will always have a deep feeling of worry, vague since it has no object, with the need to remain alert to be ready to react with all the intensity of his strength in the event of an emergency.. The happy moments will sometimes be blurred by a barely perceptible veil of an indefinable feeling: the regret of a mission, never clearly defined, which could not have been completely accomplished.