There is the undecided. The one who continues to play “neither yes nor no” for thirty years and who, stuck without a way out, will quote entire sentences from the boss or the current doctrine, without ever revealing himself. Even if it means paraphrasing to further mislead the questioner, who always gets it wrong. “But is it yes or no?” “Tomorrow you will make me walk/It’s yes or it’s no/I’m going to have to forget you/It’s yes or it’s no”, Angèle threatens. It’s more complicated in the company when you are an information systems director with a quote worth several million, or a salesperson with overdue deliveries and competition on the lookout. The fleeing person goes to his neighbor: “Ask the office next door”; the coward is content with a “later! Can’t you see that I’m overwhelmed?” ; as for the sardonic one, he plays frightened: “But, well, you should know that!” We haven’t progressed a single step. Sometimes, we manage to extract a no which means yes or a no which means “why not, manage yourself” in mode Impossible mission. And who covers me in the event of a disaster? Managers who opt for these short-termist attitudes lose their popularity. To improve, identify the emotion felt when you affirm a decision – especially a negative one. René Descartes characterized six in 1649, the psychologist Robert Plutchik announced eight in 1980.
For Descartes, admiration, love, hatred, desire, joy and sadness are the basic human emotions (The Passions of the Soul). Two centuries later, Plutchik, creator of the psycho-evolutionary theory of emotion, defined four primary emotions (fear, anger, joy and sadness). Associated with cognitive mechanisms, they lead to four other secondary emotions: confidence (linked to joy), disgust (which comes from sadness), anticipation (from anger) and surprise (associated with fear ). It is based on this emotional postulate that the psychologist developed a “wheel of emotions”, with different combinations, in order to help the user understand the nuances of their feelings.
First key: use this modeling to situate your emotional level. The fear of saying no and no longer being loved, of making the person you are talking to sad or provoking their anger can cause you to back away. At the other end of the chain, there is the “confident” manager, aggressive and uninhibited. He will yell “no” so loudly that the members of his team draw lots for the sacrifice who will have to face him. Anyone who has such a profile must also work on their emotional intelligence (second key). For psychologist Daniel Goleman, the two most common characteristics of senior executives who have been fired are, on the one hand, rigidity – “They were incapable… of accepting criticism. They didn’t know how to listen or learn.” And, on the other hand, poor human relations – “They are criticized for being too biting in their criticism, insensitive, demanding, so much so that they end up putting off those with whom they work.” (Emotional Intelligence, volume 2, Robert Laffont, 1997.)
Both the fear of others for the former and the aggressiveness of the latter require self-evaluation (fourth key) and, in particular, the appreciation of one’s strengths and weaknesses, underlines Goleman. Working on self-control (fifth key) allows you to prepare for the long term. This famous self-control is never acquired but makes a difference. It is self-affirmation that improves self-control: saying no allows you to achieve this, to assert yourself.
Concretely, you have to choose your moment. “I take into account the circumstances, the state of the recipient, their immediate ability to hear a difficult truth,” advises Rémi Juët (The Energy of the Leader, Dunod, 2022). Practice and formulate your sentence by adding “and” – “You’re asking me to take time off ‘and’ that’s not what we agreed,” says Jean-François Thiriet (Conflicts at work. Four steps to move from crisis to opportunity, 5th edition, Gereso, 2023). Neither email, nor answering machine, nor emissary, says Rémi Juët: “I tell him. My eyes in his. Nothing in me must escape, not even my gaze.” Afterwards, neither justify nor feel guilty. “We tend to justify our no’s, because we think that this makes them more acceptable. Our guilt underlying our justification has the effect of opening the door for the other to insist,” concludes Jean- François Thiriet. The final advice? Meditate Sartre: “To be free is to know how to say no” (Being and Nothingness).