Your teenager is entering his period of contestation and you feel helpless? Our advice to stay zen in all circumstances.
teenage crisis, traditionally described as an obligatory passage from childhood to adulthood, raises many questions, even a certain apprehension among parents. There “teen crisis” is above all a natural phenomenon: the physical and psychological metamorphosis of your child, between 13 and 18 years old, is one of the major upheavals of adolescence. The morpho-psychological transformations initiated from puberty become sharper and visibly assert themselves. Body hair, voice change, sore nipples… for the boy; chest, hips, hairiness… in girls. The personality is also subject to transformation. Rebellious and extroverted or on the contrary erased and withdrawn, the personality of teenagers determines different reactions in the face of the anguish that the fact of becoming an adult can represent for them. Learning to manage one’s desires, particularly sexual ones, one’s emotions and one’s impulsiveness, but also the contradictions between an economic and affective dependence on the family and the desire to emancipate themselves from it, constitute so many unconscious ordeals to which adolescents do not all give the same answer. So how to react to a slightly rebellious teenager? The advice of Françoise Rougeul, psychoanalyst and the authors of the book “Survival guide for parents of freaking out teens“, published by Les Liens qui Libérant.
1 – Set clear boundaries
Teenagers need to make their parents react to share their difficult times, but also to annoy them. By provoking them, they verify that they still really care about him. “In fact, he expects from his parents a kind of acknowledgment of his excesses and provocations.“summary guide”Survival guide for parents of freaking out teens“.
But does your child have the right to go out late at night or to slam the door to his room? It is up to you to define the words and actions that seem unacceptable to you.. “React when it’s worth it, so your teen will know where the red line is.“says the book.
2 – Put it into perspective and expect it to break the rules
In the same way that a baby explores the world around him by sucking on his toys or by touching everything he finds, a teenager needs to test his limits, even if it means playing the daredevil and systematically opposing his parents. Families are often worried about their children and impose prohibitions accordingly: no smoking, no drinking, no coming home after midnight… But these prohibitions, which are made to reassure parents, will probably be transgressed, you might as well know it in advance and make up your mind. “Whether those around them like it or not, adolescents inevitably come up against risk and transgression. The path to autonomy involves examining, exploring and putting into practice the resources of one’s body and mind.“explain the authors of the book.
3 – Listen to him while remaining firm
You forbade your teenager to go out and since then he has been giving you a hard time? Know how to stay firm. “It is necessary to prohibit certain behaviors and stick to them despite the battering and the bitterness, to defend a position in a firm and coherent way, even if it means looking like a dinosaur“. However, standing firm does not mean standing tight. “This should not prevent you from listening to your child. Listening to his arguments does not necessarily mean saying yes“says the book.
4 – Renouncing to be perfect
Dealing well with the crisis of adolescence also means recognizing that we have the right to be deprived, of not having the right conduct. Françoise Rougeul, psychoanalyst and family therapist, reassures: “Being perfect parents is almost impossible to do. It would even be dramatic. If you have a clear and preconceived image of what your role is, then you will be too strict, outside of the realities. Parents make adaptation mistakes and in this case, it is better to admit it to your teenager. We can very well tell him “listen, we do what we can, we don’t understand everything, but we try“.
5 – Respect your privacy
While it is clear that parents should lay down clear rules, it should not be overdone by trying to regulate all his actions and words. At the risk of exposing yourselffor sure, to an explosive rebellion” warns the book “Survival Manual”. Some subjects, especially love and sexuality, are delicate. Your teenager has the right to respect for his privacythink about it before you make comments about her boyfriend or force her to go to the gynecologist…
6 – Accept having the wrong role
Teenagers sometimes take malicious pleasure in making fun of their parents, pointing out their faults or their slightest mistakes. Remarks that are difficult to accept from the person who said to you a short time ago “you are the most beautiful mom in the world“Things have changed and that’s good! Accepting not to be fashionable, not to share his opinions, it’s good for him ! “Teenagers want to stand out and have easy criticism. (…) You are not of his generation; he needs to hear it and feel it.“says the guide.
7 – Show her your love
Teenagers are going through a tough time and need your attention and support. Even if your child has made a big mistake, do not reduce him to his act. “A young person who acts in a hateful way must be punished, but above all not banned. An end of inadmissibility on the heart and dialogue side would constitute a serious error..“warn the authors of the “Survival Handbook for parents of freaked out teenagers”.
8 – Remember that it’s a passing fancy
For 80% of teenagers, the teenage crisis is going well. Only 20% are in danger, according to Françoise Rougeul. Keep in mind that this phase will resolve quickly and don’t imagine the worst. However, if your child combines several symptoms (school failure + sadness + withdrawal), it is important to consult professionals to prevent the situation from getting worse.
9 – Help him find his balance in a blended family
What about the teenage crisis in a blended family? For Françoise Rougeul, “it is more complex, because to the “normal” crisis is added a problem of space, lost, and to be reinvented. For example, when an elder finds himself a youngest in the blended family. same, that if the parents have found an emotional balance, the children adapt and are doing well. there is a good chance that the teenager will be held hostage in the conflict between the ex-spouses. When a teenager is in a crisis with his or her stepfather or stepmother, it is important to check that the other parent is not saying bad things about this person. More generally, if the conjugal couple is destroyed, the parents must build a parental couple that respects the loyalty that the children feel in relation to their father and their mother… Asking a teenager to take sides with one , so to choose between his father and his mother is to put him in a conflict of loyalty which can only hurt him.”
10 – Stay patient and consistent
The adolescent is an expert in contradictory demands, you have to take care of him without watching him, understand him but respect his mystery… it’s an impossible mission! Besides, if the parents were perfect, wouldn’t the teenager risk being the prisoner of a heavenly family that he would have no desire to leave? On the other hand, what parents can do, while trying to understand and adapt, is to maintain a form of consistency. If you are a rather “normative” family and overnight you become very lax, the teenager will lose his bearings, he will no longer understand anything. But if I insist that there are no “good parents”. This term implies that you have a clear and preconceived image of your role. You then run the risk of missing out on the reality experienced by your teenager and … of becoming bad parents.