Separation anxiety, also called “8th month anxiety” is a key stage in the development of the baby, who will start crying as soon as one of the parents moves away from him. Doctor Catherine Dolto gives us her advice to better understand separation anxiety in children.
Your baby starts crying as soon as you move away from him, and worse still, no longer accepts the arms of Grandpa and Grandma? This behavior is typical of what is known as separation anxiety or “8th month anxiety”. Baby then becomes a little savage, intimidated, and does not like to be carried by anyone. If mom or dad is no longer in his field of vision, panic is guaranteed! This normal and necessary passage for the child, however, upsets his bearings. How to manage this period and how long does it last? We take stock with Doctor Catherine Dolto.
What is separation anxiety?
During separation anxiety“the baby enters a period of maturation: he makes progress, begins to distinguish between people who are familiar to him and those who he does not know, and may feel a sense of abandonment when mother moves away“, explains Catherine Dolto, doctor and haptotherapist.
At what age does separation anxiety occur in babies?
Generally, it is between 8 and 9 months that the anxiety of separation takes place. This is also the reason why it is also called 8th month anxiety. Above all, this period corresponds to what she baptized her “arrival” (the anniversary of her arrival): at that age, the child spent as much time inside her mother’s womb as ‘outside and can express by his anxieties”the anxiety and stress of giving birth, which he shared with his mother and the “shock” the birth was for him and her“, she explains. For the child, the fact that he enters a period where the time spent outside is more important than the time spent inside, represents “a real caesura which also corresponds to an important internal evolution. But for humans, the new is often a source of anxiety“, she adds.
Why does a baby have separation anxiety at this age?
To fully understand the origin of his concerns, it is important to make a correlation between the age of the child (between 8 and 9 months) and the feelings of his parents between the 8th and 9th month of pregnancy (stress due to childbirth, fear of caesarean section, fear of medical complications or of not being able to perform as a mother, fear of “maternal lag”, etc.). SO, “how did you feel in your eighth month of pregnancy? Stress, doubts, fears, excitement? All this, the baby has also perceived in the womb, and the consequences, more or less profound, related to these fears are revealed 9 months later at home“explains the specialist.
“The stress of the end of pregnancy, the fears and doubts linked to childbirth… All of this, the baby has also perceived in the womb, and the sequelae, more or less deep, linked to these fears are reveal 9 months later at home”
Finally, “we realize that the young mother tends to bury what happened during her delivery and this amnesia, conscious or not, can reappear around the age of 9 months of her baby“, that’s when “the woman can confide in the difficulties experienced during the birth of her child” and “the father finally dares to express the fears and doubts he had during the delivery of his partner“. And since the baby is benevolent and needs his pillars to be solid, he reacts very logically “in the face of his parents’ ill-being“. He expresses, in his own way, the parental malaise “as if he wanted to help them think and remember..”
How long does 8th month anxiety last?
Depending on the lifestyle and character of the child, the duration of this period is variable, ranging fromabout 3 weeks to a few months. But 8th month anxiety can go completely unnoticed in some children.
In the same way, according to his personality and his habits, the child goes through this crisis neither in the same way nor with the same intensity. If he is naturally fearful or anxious, the child will have a harder time going through this period, unlike a sociable and engaging baby. From day to day, the child will become aware of his own identity and above all, will succeed in “to restore a good balance and to deal with the malaise or the problems of his parents“, explains the specialist. When he feels safe enough and has understood something, he will be able to manage his anxieties, which will diminish until they disappear.
During this period, reactions and behavior are unique to each child. Depending on the case, we notice babies who:
- Won’t stand to be carried by foreign arms
- Cry when separated from their mother even for a few seconds.
- Get agitated when they find themselves in new places
- Don’t like to take their bath anymore.
- Many parents also have difficulty putting babies to sleep during this period.
Does separation anxiety interfere with baby’s sleep?
Difficulty falling asleep, night terrors, crying, recurring nightmares… Sleep is conducive to anxieties often linked to the fear of separation from the outside world or fear of death. “Going from wakefulness to sleep is a threshold crossing and going to bed can be experienced as a real separation from one’s parents. All the threshold crossings of our life come, in an underground way, to awaken the great threshold crossing of birth“, confirms Catherine Dolto.
What to do if baby has trouble falling asleep alone at night?
If in the evening, your child has trouble falling asleep or wakes up at night, again, talk to him and reassure him “by saying very concrete sentences like “we are right next to you” Or “when you wake up, we’ll always be here by your side“, advises the Doctor, “and ask yourself if you are not afraid of “sudden death”: many babies wake up at night or refuse to sleep only to reassure their mother“, she specifies. Besides, encourage him and “honor the fact that he was very brave and valiant the day he was born and that there is no reason to be afraid of crossing a threshold like that of sleep“. Read a story, sing a lullaby, or take a bath just before sleeping will also calm him down.
Separation anxiety related to childbirth?
If, apart from crying related to hunger, fatigue or physical ailments (teeth, stomach ache, colds, etc.), the baby cries or shows concern, do not hesitate to talk to him about your delivery (with his father if possible), “this big day which was accompanied by anguish and a lot of stress“, says the expert.
Talk to her about when she was born, as a birth may have gone very well for the mother while the child has been struggling. Think about moments of separation that he was able to experience in his first weeks. “The baby’s time seems much slower than ours: two hours in an incubator where he recognizes nothing and finds no reference to his life before, it’s like a trip to Mars without psycho-emotional equipment to deal with it ! And this can leave traces of very strong feelings of abandonment“, she adds.
Instead of dramatizing the situation, or even giving in to panic, settle in a calm and tell him your doubts, your fears related to the fear of losing him, your joys at the idea of welcoming him… and all that you felt when he came into the world. Indeed, “by expressing his anxieties, the child testifies to a need to hear about this big day“, confirms Dr. Dolto. Do not lose sight that to be reassured, your child must feel understood and must perceive “Consistency between your words and what you feel: sincere words, a soft and loving tone or calm and peaceful gestures are therefore important. Everything you keep for yourself, the child feels it“, she adds.
“By expressing his anxieties, the child testifies to a need to hear about the day of his birth”.
What to do if separation anxiety occurs during the adaptation to the nursery?
Leave your child at the crèche or with a childminder can be a stressful time for the child, especially if baby is going through separation anxiety. Not having the floor, the child can put himself in the scene and try to express what he feels by gestures and tears: he thus verifies the strength of the bond and the capacity he has to upset his mother. . The specialist recommends “Trust in the professionalism and experience of the crèche employees and childcare workers who will help you to experience the separation naturally and who will be able to find the words to reassure the child”.
Advice: it is also preferable not to leave you discreetly, when he sleeps for example and without having said goodbye to him, because this could increase his anxiety to know that you can disappear without him knowing. Conversely, there is no need to indulge in endless goodbyes. Also opt for a comforter to reassure him. “The transitional object (or blanket) is certainly not the miracle solution, but it can reassure the child”, says Catherine Dolto. In this case, your baby is certainly having trouble integrate the fact that even if he does not see you, you are still there : this is what is called in psychoanalysis “the permanence of the object” (the object remains present psychically while it is visibly absent). Hide-and-seek games or the “coucou-caché” with his hands allow baby to realize that even if you go away, you will come back very quickly.