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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Does your child say hurtful words to you? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, teaches you how to react well.
“I hate you”, “I don’t love you”, “I want to change parents”… Who has never heard this type of sentence, at least once in their life? Children can say many awkward sentences in moments of anger, disagreement or even frustration. However, there is no question of remaining without reacting! Amélie Boukhobza gives us some very practical parental advice.
Take a step back
First advice and not the least: take a step back from the event. Certainly, receiving a “You are not a good mother” from your youngest, never pleases. Especially when you spent your entire Sunday preparing a surprise birthday for him. Despite everything, these words, these sentences are pronounced by a child – still immature in terms of emotional.
“These types of comments from children to their parents are common in moments of anger, disagreement, frustration, etc. And above all they must be put in their context, namely a context of anger, disagreement, frustration…And therefore not to be taken literally. We must therefore not lose our temper when the child says this and not take his or her thoughts to heart.“, assures Amélie Boukhobza, before adding: “That said, not everything is allowed!“.
And for good reason: what is the line between self-expression, emotions and lack of respect?
When words go too far – and hurt us – the expert says it’s time to take a break from parent-child exchanges. And this, in order to avoid escalation.
“The solution may then be to put him aside in his room and ask him to think about it. Another possibility: “why not go for a walk yourself to let our emotions go down if the situation allows it (if the other parent is in the house to pay attention)“However, as in any argument between a parent and a child, “perhaps it is better to pass the baton to the other parent when they are present. Not to pass the baton of the argument but to intervene to stop the escalation“, advises Amélie Boukhobza.
And when calm returned?
Once the situation has calmed down, exchanges can resume.
“When calm returns, you can gently return to the situation with the child to discuss it. You can then explain to him that you shouldn’t say this kind of thing because words hurt and that in life, we don’t hurt others. You can also remind him that the situation and the anger generated do not change the unconditional love we have for him.“, concludes the expert.
You now know how to act and react.
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