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Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Johanna Rozenblum (clinical psychologist)
What’s more annoying when you’re a parent (young or old) than hearing advice from all sides on how to educate your own children. Faced with injunctions, it remains possible to respond tactfully but firmly. Our psychologist Johanna Rozenblum sheds light on what we can say.
“If I were you, I would rather do it this way”, “You should do things differently”, “haven’t you thought about doing like me?”… If you are parents, you have undoubtedly noticed a disturbing phenomenon: from the birth of your children, everyone takes great pleasure in giving you an opinion on how to behave or educate your children. While the advice is often intended to be kind, and sometimes useful, it can also be annoying and frustrating, especially if it comes from a close person who feels directly involved, such as a parent or in-law.
Our parental opinion is the most legitimate
For Johanna Rozenblum, clinical psychologist consulted on the subject, there is no point in procrastinating too much if educational remarks arrive at a time when you are not seeking any advice:
“You should not hesitate to tell the person that they are allowing themselves to make comments or opinions that are not desired, with tact of course. A parent is completely justified in guarding against malice or inappropriate opinions. of some. It is his duty and his right to indicate that certain comments are not appropriate” she insists.
6 Gradual Ways to Respond to Unsolicited Advice
The way we react, however, must adapt to the person from whom the comment comes. If it’s a passerby, or a person we won’t see again, don’t necessarily waste your time. If it is a close person who is a little intrusive, you can be firm while remaining polite, just to get the message across without damaging the relationship.
Thérapeute magazine presents 6 ways to respond to advice, from the most general to the most assertive.
1. “Yes, I will think about it.” This is a polite way to respond to defuse the discussion. But if the advice given comes from a parent, you are not safe from him coming back to check that you have taken his opinion into consideration;
2. “Good idea. I’ll see if it works for me.” You thus expose that if the advice worked for the person and their children, this may not be the case in your family;
3. “It’s an interesting idea, but I prefer to do it this way.” You tell the person that you are listening to their advice but that you have no intention of changing the way you do things. A balanced sentence.
4. “I’m not looking for advice right now.” The phrase remains polite but makes it clear that you are not seeking further opinions.
5. “This is not consistent with my values.” The phrase applies in particular when there are differences in cultures, ways of doing things, or even religions with the person who is giving you advice. It does not call into question the benefit of the advice, but sets a limit that must not be crossed.
6. “I’m not going to do it.” The sentence is clear. If you are faced with bad advice, or a person who does not really have the legitimacy to give you advice (a person without children who has an opinion on punishment for example, or a man on your breastfeeding) you can also stop the discussion and say that you are not going to take it into consideration. No need to get personal, a simple, “that doesn’t seem appropriate, I’m not going to do that” is enough.
Distinguish between an intrusive message and real advice
While it is legitimate to affirm your choice, and your way of doing things as a parent, our psychologist still warns of a thinking bias into which it is easy to fall:
“It is still interesting to ask the question: do we take the fact of receiving comments from someone without asking them badly, or do we take the content itself badly?” she asks.
Thus, it can be useful to determine whether it is the intrusive form that displeases us, or whether it is the substance that ultimately touches a place that annoys us. “We also have to be honest and ask ourselves if the advice does not touch on an area that concerns us at the moment.” In this case, perhaps we should also say to ourselves that not all advice is bad to take. And that you could learn from the experienced people around you.
Slide: 10 misconceptions about education