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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
As soon as your partner comes home, your youngest child thinks he’s allowed everything? Here is advice from our expert psychologist to restore family balance and create an effective parental team.
When the days get longer and you feel tired, having your partner by your side (always) seems like a good idea. Except that many parents complain about each other’s behavior towards children. Divergent rules, disrupted routine… How to manage these differences? And above all, how can we (re)find common ground together? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, gives us some ideas.
Do your parenting styles diverge? Pay attention to family balance!
It’s a fact: each parent has their own “vision” regarding the education of their children. One of them may therefore place great importance on homework, while the other will emphasize bedtime. One will prefer to let the child experience his environment, while the other will impose a strict framework. However, if these plural parenting styles enrich the family dynamic, they can also lead to disagreements between co-parents and harm their harmony.
This is particularly the case of a mother, who confided on the American site Reddit that her husband greatly “disturbed” the family’s daily life.
“I hate when my husband is home“, she said. “All the rules, deadlines and structure fly out the window.”
Indeed, while she imposes a well-established schedule on her children, the rules and schedules disappear as soon as her husband shows up.
“Bedtime is 9:30 p.m. for children ages 6 and 10“, she confided. “But no, [lorsque le conjoint] is home, he wants to make dinner and doesn’t start until 9:15 p.m. this long homemade meal that the kids won’t even want to eat and will complain about.”
Different ways of doing things, which have a strong impact on the young mother.
“He said to me: “Relax. It’s time to spend time with family“. Except that “I rely on going to bed at 9:30 p.m. for my mental health.”she said. “They’re in bed by 9:30 p.m. I clean until 10 p.m., then I collapse on the couch and watch TV.”
Frequent misunderstandings, according to our psychologist
No offense to “perfect” parents (or at least those who claim to be), this is a situation that many young fathers and mothers experience.without necessarily succeeding in expressing it, or even in formulating it“You would think.”that the presence of the spouse makes things easier, but sometimes it is quite the opposite“, confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
“Indeed, as a couple, expectations and approaches can be different. One wants firmness, the other prefers softness; one wants a strict routine, the other is more guided by the moment. This gap creates a form of tension and, instead of sharing the load, we find ourselves having to manage contradictions. We feel judged, watched, evaluated almost…“, reveals the expert.
According to the psychologist, the key lies… in dialogue.
“We often tend to let things go unsaid, but in reality, talking frankly to each other about what works and what doesn’t is super important.” indicates the specialist. “We must identify points of divergence, seek compromises, and above all remember that everyone brings something essential to the education of children.” “Then, don’t hesitate to take time together to discuss what works as a pair, outside of the daily hustle and bustle. Take the time to refocus on a common vision for the children, avoiding fall into comparison or competition, as parents, we play on the same team, we are partners, not opponents!” recalls Amélie Boukhobza in conclusion.
Slide: 10 misconceptions about education