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Facing some conflicts or tensions in the couple is nothing abnormal. On the other hand, the way we cope can improve or, on the contrary, sabotage the relationship. According to a psychologist, there would be above all a sterile reaction that we nevertheless adopt too often.
If you’ve been dating someone for a while, you’ve probably had a few fights. In this case, how you handled the situation is often more important than what caused the conflict. While some people are able to talk things out intelligently and find solutions, others (and there are many) take a completely different approach to keeping the peace quickly.
Fleeing a heated situation… a sterile behavior
This behavior is simply… running away! That is to say, simply fleeing the relationship, or fleeing the conflict. Not because the person is a coward, but probably because they think they are protecting themselves from an imminent escalation. On the media YourTangoDr. Aria Campbelle Danesh, psychologist, there would ultimately be several problems behind this behavior:
- The leak itself. If you tend to run away from your relationship when things get complicated, you are not alone. However, you will need support and listening to move forward in your relationship or the next ones. Because this escape ends the conflict, but not in the good way.
- You deny that conflict is part of the relationship. “Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and it is rarely about superficial issues.” recalls the expert. However, the reality is that this conflict probably comes from other deep-rooted, unresolved problems or unexpressed feelings. “If you run away from the relationship without first realizing what you need to work on and then working on it, you will simply take that version of yourself into the next relationship.”explains Dr. Danesh.
- Running away perpetuates the problem. By running away, the conflict never ends because the problems are never solved. Of course, it is not easy to accept the reproaches and work on oneself. However, it is only by facing conflicts together that we can hope to build something lastingly. “The most difficult times you go through together actually have the potential to transform your relationship with yourselves and with each other.” reassures the expert.
Feeling good in your body, feeling good in your head!
If the conflicts touch on a traumatized part of yourself that you prefer to avoid (a fear of abandonment, a former relationship that made you suffer, an old injury, etc.), Dr. Gregory Jantz, another psychologist quoted by the media, suggests drawing inspiration from the stages of mourning (yes, yes) to change this escape, by becoming an actor in the conflict again.
- Recognize that denial is creeping into your daily life. Experiencing trauma can trigger our survival instinct and this flight. But remember that denying the problem is not going to change it.
- Understand how you use negotiation. Don’t take refuge in persistent thoughts such as “I could have done this, we should have done this”…Being too caught up in what-ifs will only delay you in your healing journey and in facing reality.
- Don’t try to escape emotional storms. Yes, difficulties can lead to a breakup, or to a recovery. It will probably not be easy, nor pleasant, but coping is necessary. If necessary, it is also the right time to be supported by a health professional.
- Seek acceptance rather than escape. You are able to understand that what you experienced was not good and was not fair. Staying is accepting what happened and not letting your past trauma control your current life. This is a necessary basis for knowing whether you want to continue or end this relationship, but with full knowledge of the facts.
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