Not all secrets are equal.
We can all, without doing it on purpose, have a tongue twisting and reveal a secret, especially when it is a secret of little importance in the end. “It is essential to distinguish between open secrets and more important secrets. Open secrets are those that are known to everyone but we have the impression of being interesting by making them a secret. At the end of race, we realize that everyone knows about it and that it is not very relevant. It could be, for example, revealing a romantic relationship, a trip, a move, a change of life. work… in short, things which have no serious character”informs Pascal Anger, clinical psychologist in Paris.
And then, there are the important secrets, heavier to bear, linked to touching, adultery, childhood wounds, mistreatment or even infidelities, which we try to keep to ourselves for as long as possible. possible as they are complicated to tell. “These are secrets which can be difficult or even painful to bear and which can come back to us like a boomerang. This type of secret can be very heavy to bear for those who will hear it and listen to it because we do not feel necessarily able to hear it, listen to it, and above all keep it”deciphers the specialist. Very often, these are secrets that have been entrusted to us even though we hadn’t asked for anything, under the guise of “I trust you”, “I know you won’t repeat”. Secrecy is then imposed on us, which can be resented and give us a responsibility that we could have done without.
“One of my patients, aged 40, learned during a family meal that he had been adopted”
Other people can’t keep secrets because they have a visceral need to share whatever information they have at their disposal. They are, by nature, blunderers, but they don’t see it that way since they don’t perceive it as a betrayal. In their eyes, it is more about sharing. “The betrayal of the secret can also be linked to the fact of wanting to make oneself interesting to others. “Me, you see, I know things that you will never know.” Finally, one can feel burdened by a secret and the revealing it can bring us a certain lightness”continues our interlocutor.
“Within certain families, we know how to keep secrets because we have been educated in this idea. Moreover, certain family secrets are sometimes revealed accidentally. For example, one of my patients, elderly aged 40, learned during a family meal that he had been adopted. It was a huge shock that called his whole life into question.illustrates Pascal Anger. What if we don’t feel like we can keep a secret? The best thing is to tell the person concerned: “You know, I can’t keep a secret so I prefer that you don’t tell me about it.” Logically, if our interlocutor is afraid that his secret will be revealed, he will naturally backtrack.