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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
You are separated and your child, who seemed to have accepted the situation, is now asking you to get back together with his parent. How to answer this confusing question? We asked psychologist Amélie Boukhobza.
“Mom, when will you and Dad get back together?“. The question, if it is natural coming from a child, can be destabilizing. How to explain it and what to answer? Here is the advice from Amélie Boukhobza.
According to the expert, separation or divorce is a difficult ordeal for a child. “It is a catastrophe for a child to see his parents separate. And this, whatever his age. But it is still less worse than seeing his parents constantly arguing, hating each other or ignoring each other.r” she estimates. “It is therefore normal for a child to ask his divorced parents to get back together.“.
How to explain it? For the psychologist, this may mean that the child has difficulty fully accepting the separation of his parents, even if it dates back several years. “Children may see this as a sort of disruption of their own stability. And this is the case” she emphasizes.
“It’s an insecure moment because the situation will change, because the benchmarks will move. So through their request, they often seek to recreate a comfort zone, an illusion of control in a situation that has completely escaped them” .
The tricky part is knowing what to say to your child. Amélie Boukhobza recommends validating your emotions while setting a clear limit. By saying for example: “I understand that you would like us to be together again. It’s a reassuring idea, but it’s not something that can happen, because this choice was thought through and was made for the good of everyone, including you.“.
These words allow us to recognize the child’s feelings while explaining that certain adults’ decisions are final, and that they should not make them feel guilty. “It is also good to remind them that these are decisions that concern adults and which do not belong to them. Without forgetting to remind them that this changes nothing for them, that we will continue to love them in the same way. way and that we will always be there for them as before.”
Furthermore, the psychologist recommends ensuring that this request does not hide anything else. “Is the child in difficulty, for example feeling a conflict of loyalties between parents, instability in routines or even unexpressed emotions linked to the separation?” she asks. “In this case, it may be useful to discuss regularly or to be accompanied by a professional to clarify the situation..
What if the parents get back together?
What if your child’s question ends up becoming a reality? “A return to the parents’ shared life can be a source of joy for the child, but also of anxiety. notes Amélie Boukhobza. For what ? Quite simply because the child will wonder if this will last or if he will experience another separation.
The expert therefore recommends explaining, with honesty and kindness, the fact that this decision is based on changes and discussions between adults. And say for example: “We decided to give ourselves another chance, because we think it’s better for us and for you. But like all relationships, it will take effort.”
You must also be honest with your child and approach the possibility of another failure in a reassuring way. “Even if we never know what tomorrow will bring, what is certain is that whatever happens, our priority remains you.
For the expert, these words will anchor the child in emotional security, which will go beyond the vagaries of the relationship between his parents. “In short, whether it is a separation or a rapprochement, the child needs clarity, benchmarks and to know that he is loved unconditionally.” she concludes.
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