“I don’t think we understood each other”, “Unless I’m mistaken”… These seemingly innocuous little phrases are particularly used by passive-aggressive personalities. At work, as a couple, with friends… Here are the signs to recognize them and how to counter them.
The term “passive-aggressive” is increasingly used in TV series, movies, podcasts… With a person with passive-aggressive behavior, remarks are indirectinsinuated and diverted, half-hearted or even hypocritical, dialogue is not possible and communication is unbalanced. We can for example come across this type of person in personal relationships or at work. Faced with a passive-aggressive, we can be destabilized. And from an outside point of view, this behavior is often badly perceived, considered as haughty Or disrespectful. So how do you recognize a passive-aggressive? How to cope ? Example sentences and expertise with Maite Tranzerclinical psychologist.
What is a passive-aggressive person?
Passive-aggressive behavior is a personality disorder. It was described in the DSM-IV (the penultimate edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and Psychiatric Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association) to refer to the behavior of some soldiers in the face of authority during World War II, then it was withdrawn due to a lack of precision. If it does not appear in the DSM-V, this term is used by mental health professionals. “Passive-aggressive behavior is recalcitrant behavior that results in a refusal of authority. The passive-aggressive is not offensive, on the contrary, it has a defensive behavior, not frontal“, describes Maïté Tranzer. Note that we all use, to a greater or lesser extent, passive-aggressive sentences (example sentences below), which is not serious. On the other hand, it becomes pathological when, to communicate or express themselves, the person only adopts passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors.
How does the passive-aggressive behave?
“The behaviors of a passive-aggressive are often difficult to spot at first glance. It is over time that we can identify actions or attitudes suggestive of passive-aggressive behavior“, indicates our expert.:
→ Passive-aggressive has indirect “aggressive” communication and speaking : a defense mechanism that creates a relationship problem
→ His communication is neither frontal nor frank: he uses hidden “no”, cryptic sentences and implicit remarks.
→ He always feels attacked (high susceptibility)
→ He has denial behavior in confrontationsometimes with recourse to lies or manipulation to achieve their ends.
→ He demonstrates bad faith
→ He has a tendency to victimize and self-harm
→ He says he agrees to do something but his attitude shows the opposite
→ He has a feeling of inferiority
→ He is reluctant to change or the new rules (anything that doesn’t go his way)
→ It is usually a reserved person, even mute (she “punishes” the other by her silence), which may seem indifferent, haughty or disrespectful
→ It is usually a very fearful person (she manipulates for fear of being manipulated)
What does passive-aggressive behavior mean? What causes?
The passive-aggressive does not realize his behavior induced by real pain. “His behavior is linked to significant events, which often took place during childhood, usually related to emotional insecurity, too much parental authority or conversely an absence of limits or framework. These are often children who have not been able to express themselves as individuals or who have not found their place. From the point of view of empathy and communication with others, there are things that do not work. His behaviors are the manifestation of a non-palpable inner conflict, frustration which have been internalized and of anger that has been repressed instead of being verbalized. After a moment, these frustrations implode, which gives rise to irritability, impulsiveness and anger. They do not necessarily have the perspective before expressing themselves“, enlightens the specialist.
At what age ?
“Most commonly, passive-aggressive behavior is seen manifesting itself in adolescence or early adulthood, especially in intra-family relationships, at school, during studies or at work, when there are rules to respect, authority figures or hierarchical structures“, says the psychologist.
Is there a test to know if we have a passive-aggressive behavior?
“To my knowledge, there is no official test to detect passive-aggressive behavior.“, answers our interlocutor. The psychologist or psychiatrist must base himself on reactions, ways of thinking or facts told.
It takes time for a passive-aggressive to change.
passive-aggressive example sentences
The following phrases or expressions are examples of “passive-aggressive” behavior but cannot be used to “make a diagnosis” formal:
- “I Thought You Knew”
- “In the future, don’t hesitate to do this…”
- “Unless I’m mistaken…”
- “I don’t think we understood each other”
- “There is no need to remind you that…”
- “You are too this, that…”
- “It’s good, have you finally stopped sulking?”
- “It seemed quite obvious to me…”
- “It would be wise/smart of you to…”
- “Do you think it makes me happy to tell you that?”
What solutions to deal with a passive-aggressive?
Faced with a passive-aggressive, it is absolutely necessary to restore the balance and use nonviolent communication (NVC) based on kindness. “The first principle of nonviolent communication is to talk about yourself in the first person (banish the “you”) and to talk about their personal feelings so that the passive-aggressive does not feel (even more) attacked“, details our interlocutor. It takes time for a passive-aggressive to change and clean up his social ties. “The passive-aggressive will hardly want to question ourselves. You have to bring it gently towards questioning”, complete Maïté Tranzer. Therapeutic help can help him to find the origin of his frustrations and the way to exteriorize them without aggressiveness, with healthier attitudes. The therapy also aims to restore his self-confidence.
Thanks to Maïté Tranzer, clinical psychologist.