Your partner tells you that you are frigid? But what does that mean? Is there a medical definition? Clinical symptoms? The answers of our expert sexologist.
What is (concretely) being frigid?
“Frigidity is a very vague term, a bit of a catch-all, explains sexologist Laura Beltran. This may refer to disorders of desire and/or pleasure.” In all cases, the qualification of “frigid” remains pejorative. “This is why in the diagnostic criteria, you will no longer find this term. It is no longer used by professionals and it is a positive development for women”, believes our interlocutor.
As there is no medical definition of frigidity, there are no typical symptoms either. “Basically, we can say that frigidity concerns women for whom sexuality does not work, sexuality “has a hard time”, characterizes Laura Beltran. Then you have to look further “because it is not the same thing to say that there is a sexual desire inhibited or a problem with pleasure or difficulty having orgasms”.
What are the causes of frigidity?
“When there is a problem in sexuality, you always have to go and look what happens between the legs (Do you have pain during intercourse?), what happens between the ears i.e. in the head (Do you think about work during the act?) And what’s going on in the relationship” schematizes the sexologist. Then understand what really hides behind this problem of frigidity: “Are we talking about a problem of desire or pleasure? Do I not want to? Sexuality does not interest me, I do not think about it? Or do I not have no pleasure Orgasm These are different things We can have orgasms, but no desire. Conversely, one can have desire, but no orgasm.
► If it is a problem of desire, ask yourself: Do I ever feel like? Did it ever interest me or interest me at the beginning of the relationship and now it doesn’t interest me anymore? Does this drop in desire come at a particular time? I had children, worries in my life as a couple, I’m worried about work…
► If it is an absence of pleasure : Is it a problem of pleasure during the report with the partner? Or a problem of pleasure in general? “When we ask women who say they don’t have pleasure, they often say that on their own, they have no problem, they manage it very well but not with their partner. Perhaps it is then a question of ‘a problem of letting go, always wanting to be in control? suggests the specialist.
Once the cause has been posed, we must look at the couple and the individual history of the woman: “What place does sexuality have in her story? Did she have an open or rigid upbringing on this subject? Was there domestic violence? exposes Laura Beltran. The idea being to get out of this term of frigidity which locks women in.”
The solutions depend on the causes, explains the specialist.
► If you have less or more desire : stop telling yourself that desire must come by itself. “Desire is spontaneous at the beginning of a relationship. Afterwards it turns into reactive desire, that is to say it will arise in response to stimuli” recalls Laura Beltran. For example: you come home from work, you will not spontaneously want to make love. On the other hand, if you come back from a relaxed evening, your partner compliments you, kisses you, caresses you, it will awaken your desire. So “desire provokes itself, stimulates itself and women must be active in their desire”.
► Concerning the lack of pleasure, it’s the same thing : “You have to be active and not passive. You shouldn’t wait for the partner to give pleasure, you have to go get it, be able to tell the other what you want, when you want it, how you want it. This kind of empowerment is very important in women’s sexuality” states the sexologist. Clearly, the more you take back the power of your desire and your pleasure, the less you will be a “victim” of a sexuality that does not suit you. Not to mention “to give a positive image to all this and to say to oneself that it is not inevitable not to want and not to have pleasure”.
“A sexual problem is always a couple problem, recalls Laura Beltran. When we say to a woman “You are frigid”, we say to her “You have a problem, it’s your fault”. However, in a couple, if we talk about sexuality, it must be done without judging the other. How to proceed ?
• Teach the other to rephrase their sentences : “It’s not the same to say ‘You’re frigid’ than ‘I feel like you’re not having fun and I wish you could have some’.”
• Return the question by saying : “We both have a problem, it’s not just me.” The goal is to get out of the question “Whose fault is it?” to find solutions without accusing themselves.
• Say what is appropriate or not : “Sex happens a little too quickly, I would like more foreplay, I don’t feel like it because it always happens the same way in the evening when I’m tired, there’s always penetration but sexuality doesn’t It’s not just penetrating, I’d like you to take care of my clitoris more…”
In the endremember that sexuality depends on the communication between the couple, “it’s a key to finding solutions when there are problems, we can never say it enough.”
Thanks to Laura Beltran, co-author of the book “Women and their sex: No longer hurting, reconnecting with your desire, feeling free” at Editions Payot.