LEIDSCHE RIJN – “That people are able to do this to you and especially to your loved one. Then you don’t really love someone, otherwise you don’t do these kinds of things.” Laura is speaking. She recently moved to the Oranjehuis van Moviera, a shelter for victims of domestic violence. Tomorrow is the official opening of the new building.
35-year-old Laura wants to tell her story anonymously because of the safety for her and her child. Her ex-partner is still harassing her. She is in the shelter in Utrecht for the second time. The first time she came into the house, her boyfriend at the time had taken a hard look at her. “I’ve always said, if a man hits me once, I’m gone and I’ve kept that promise to myself.” She fled her home and ended up at a shelter for victims of domestic violence.
Her then-partner had addiction problems and Laura wanted to help him, but he didn’t accept that. “Then we got into an argument and he gave me a good beating because I said something he didn’t agree with.”
No secret location
In the Oranjehuis Laura has her own apartment with her own kitchen and bathroom. That was not the case in the old building. It is also no longer about a shelter in a secret location as it used to be at the ‘Stay of my Lijfhuizen’. A conscious choice, says Moviera manager Liesbeth van Renssen. “The women who live with us will also have to move on. They must be able to do their own shopping and run their own household. If you are hidden for a while, you do not learn that and it feels like an obstacle to your freedom. So come you emerge from one lack of freedom into another lack of freedom, while we want to offer them as much freedom as possible here.”
At the moment Laura does not feel free. She is now back in the shelter, because her new partner also started abusing her. “I was manipulated, a lot of name-calling, spitting, hitting, kicking. Things you shouldn’t do in a relationship.” She immediately tries to get away, but can’t. “The door was locked so I couldn’t leave.” With the help of a friend, Laura escapes after some time. “That worked when my partner was asleep. Then I was able to open the door with help and I left.”
Now she is in the Oranjehuis and she feels safe inside. But when she goes out, she doesn’t. “I am very alert on the street. Then I continuously look around me. Or if a car continues to drive behind me for a long time. I don’t dare to go far.”
You have to tackle the whole system
In addition to the Oranjehuis, Moviera also has other departments to combat domestic violence. For example, the organization tries to help as many people as possible at home. That is better for the children, says Van Renssen. “It is of course very unfortunate that you have to leave your house, leave your things behind. Especially if you can help people with children at home, that is always our preference.”
Sometimes the domestic violence went beyond a push
It is no longer the case that Moviera only helps the women. The organization also helps the partners, mostly men. Van Renssen: “All the women we receive include a partner, or a man or a woman, or it runs in the family. We would like to talk to those men. We are there for everyone, because a violent situation plays out in a system , in the family and other people are also involved. And you also need those people to solve that.”
Men are also helped
It also happens that men are victims of domestic violence, such as Kees. He recently moved to the men’s shelter. He also wants to tell his story anonymously. He and his ex-partner have two young children. He sees himself as a victim and as a perpetrator. “It wasn’t that I was the aggressor. It was often the interaction between us that often caused aggression and the children were bothered by that.”
The tensions within Kees’ relationship have lasted for years, but it has worsened in recent years. “Sometimes the domestic violence went further than a push,” says Kees. He does not want to give many details about it. “I am physically stronger than her. There has also been something more that I would rather not elaborate on. It is not the case that my girlfriend has been in the hospital with bruises. And from her side there is ‘s dishes flew through space and a jar of peanut butter smashed against the wall.”
It destroys you and especially when you see your child sad
Kees describes domestic violence as quicksand. “You end up in a place you don’t want to end up in. She has of course also made very nasty comments. And with one you swallow it, but with ten something will also happen to you as a person. humiliation and name-calling. Then a kind of swirling volcano arises internally with me. So you really have to learn how to deal with that.”
Assistance
Kees and his ex-partner and the children also receive help from Moviera. They are in the so-called ‘Take a Break’ process. Adrie Vermeulen is his helper. “Then we first start with an intensive analysis of the situation. You conduct motivational interviews with both clients. When both express the intention to start that intensive process of eight to twelve weeks, we get to work.”
Both Kees and his partner have a counselor and a family counselor comes along. Adrie continues: “He goes into conversation with the parents and also with the child when he is four years old or older. And the oldest of Kees and his partner could very well name what it was doing to her and that she did not want that.”
The future
“Reality without each other is much further away than reality with each other.” Kees tries to explain why he and his girlfriend stayed together for so long. “It’s nice to be in a relationship with someone. You also give something a chance.”
He does regret. “It is not a choice that you end up in that behaviour, you regret it afterwards, not at the moment. You are of course disappointed. Shit, did I let myself go again or shit, did the children witness that or shit, what I yelled again. That doesn’t fit at all with my values ​​as a person. Here all the shutters open in this relationship that I might be shocked afterwards, if I saw myself on a tape. That’s very strange how that works, so yes you’ll regret it later.”
But Kees has learned a lot now, he says. “There are techniques for that, such as taking a time-out and making very strict agreements with each other about how you respond to that and also identify and what phase of the argument we are in.”
With tears in her eyes Laura tells what it does to you. “It destroys you and certainly also when you see your child sad. Those are not nice things when that happens to you. It just hurts so much. That people are able, especially your loved one, to do this to you. I’m like, then you don’t really love someone, otherwise you don’t do that kind of thing.”
She even dares to think about her future again. “I hope to be happy and free again. That I can just do everything again without having to look over my shoulder.” She has a message to all those people who are dealing with domestic violence. “Seek help, you are not alone. There are plenty of people who can help you.”