Toxic friendship: what signs, when should you stop?

Manipulation, guilt, influence, domination, belittlement, jealousy… Sometimes a friendship brings less and less fulfillment, becomes unhealthy or even toxic. How to recognize such a relationship? What does it mean? Should we end the friendship or try to save it?

Definition: what is a toxic friendship?

By definition, friendship is a reciprocal feeling of affection and sympathy between two people who do not belong to the same family and who are not in a relationship. Benevolence, mutual attachment, listening and helping each other are therefore in essence the bases of a friendship. “A relationship of friendship must be balanced and allow everyone to flourish without feeling trapped or constrained“explains at the outset Virginia Bapt, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst. On the other hand, when it becomes malicious, distressing, based on guilt, jealousy or envy, the relationship is no longer healthy and can even become toxic. “Overall, we can say that a friendship is toxic when it involves, what we call in transactional analysis, psychological games who always contribute to the same goal: to play with the other to always get the same result, an often negative result”says the expert.

A friendship can be unbalanced without necessarily being toxic. This is the case when:

► You are faced with the Karpman’s triangle, one of the most famous psychological games. It is found in most human exchanges, to varying degrees, and sometimes at the basis of a friendship. In this triangle, there are three roles: the victim, the executioner and the rescuer. The principle is simple: One of your friends sees himself as a victim all the time and positions himself as inferior. He/She can say sentences like “You never think of me”. “You are not there for me”. “You are selfish“. After a while, you are fed up with it and you send it to graze: you then become its executioner. Then, you pity it and become its rescuer. And so on. “I wouldn’t call these friendships “toxic”, but rather “sterile”. without being destructive, these friendships do not help to evolve, nor to grow. They are, in my opinion, only made to “pass the time” and not feel alone“, nuances our interlocutor.

► In the same way, a friend who always talks about him / her, but who pays no attention to your difficulties is not necessarily indicative of a toxic friendship, but rather ofan unbalanced friendship not based on reciprocity.

► Finally, a person who comes to your aid all the time without solicitude, who responds to your least desires as if you were incapable of satisfying them on your own and who feels that all this guarantees your friendship, plays also a psychological game. “You can very well find your account and maintain this friendship, but you have to be aware of the issues and possible abuses.warns the psychotherapist. As soon as we are no longer aware of this psychological game, that’s when the relationship becomes toxic.”

A friendship becomes toxic when:

► It generates anguish : “Concretely, you feel bad without knowing why, you have a lump in your stomach when you have an appointment with your frienddescribes Virginie Bapt. Generally, distressing friendships are generated by perverse profiles.“

► She is guilt-ridden : “You feel like you’re never doing the right thing, or falling short of friendshiplists our interlocutor. This relationship is usually led by hysterical profiles, eternally dissatisfied people who keep blaming you for something with theatricalism and exaggeration. However, it is difficult to put boundaries with them because they are often endearing people and in demand.“. This “friendship” is often endless and in the long run, destructive.

► She empty of your energy and generates a feeling of exhaustion. This is particularly what happens when one frequents “emotional vampires or psychic vampires”.This notion has also recently been theorized by the psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget who defines them as people who are absolutely not autonomous from an emotional point of view and who will therefore take advantage of others to feel good. They feed on our energies, our vital momentum and our presence to satisfy their well-being, but bring nothing in return.“, she describes.

“The toxic person does not have the ability to listen and question themselves”

As soon as you feel anxiety, guilt or a feeling of exhaustion, you have to ask yourself. The main thing is to be aware of this and not to lie to yourself. “We have the right to be impressed by a person, to be flattered by a friendship or to feel indebted, and to stay in the relationship because we have decided to do so and not because we feel trapped. But we must not forget that we have the right to choose our friendships, unlike our family.“. So you are the only person who can choose to maintain the friendship or to cut ties.”Friendship is extremely important in life, hence the need to have the healthiest and most balanced relationships possible.“, adds our interlocutor. For this, the three basic questions to ask are:

• What do I decide to build as a friendship?
• Who do I want to have in my circle of friends?
• What do I want to develop with the person?

In some cases, we need a third person or outside help to really be able to get out of a toxic friendship and no longer be under the influence of this person. psychological work is sometimes necessary to allow you to identify your faults, to work on them and to put in place the most appropriate reactions.

When should you stop or end a toxic friendship?

When we are in a context of toxic friendship, it is very often no need to have a discussion with the person to explain to him what you blame him for. And this, even if you do it in a gentle and benevolent way. “In the majority of cases, the “toxic” person does not have the skills or the tools to listen and question themselves. Worse, they could misunderstand, blame you and try to hurt“, assures the specialist. And if your friend uses blackmail to keep you with him, do not give in and do not enter his game. “It takes two to play, from the moment you decide not to play anymore, the person opposite no longer has control over you.“, she reassures in conclusion.

Thanks to Virginie Bapt, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst.