What is Timeout? Should we apply or shun this educational technique? What are the other alternatives to calm your child? Insights from Sandrine Moreira, psychologist and early childhood trainer.
Psychologist Caroline Goldman has talked a lot about time out in the media, following the publication, in 2020, of his book “Go to your room” (Ed. Dunod). What she suggests: isolate children from the age of one year for a fairly short time for the little ones (1 or 2 minutes), when there is conflict, disagreement or when a child is in violation of rules or prohibitions. But, is it really effective? Isn’t this educational technique a bit outdated? The psychologist Sandrine Moreira gives us her opinion on the question of “time-out”.
What is the timeout?
The time-out consists in setting aside, isolating, cornering (also called dead time) during a time, a child of a situation: for example following a conflict, a crisis, a transgression of rules, etc. The objective: to allow the child to calm down, to set limits, and to allow the situation to calm down. According to Caroline Goldman, this practice “is based on rigorous research that has led to a scientific consensus still acclaimed by the greatest experts and organizations to this day: the Barkley method (for the treatment of ADHD); Professor Kazdin (director of the parenting center at the of Yale) or the Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (which recommends it as an “effective parenting strategy”)”
What does the Council of Europe say?
In 2008, the Council of Europe published a statement advocating positive parenting and there advocated the corner as an alternative to non-violent parenting. But since then the psychological repercussions that this exclusion can have on the child seem to undermine this sanction. And for good reason, it would be considered harmful, even ultimately violent. In October, however, the media reported that the Council of Europe, encouraged by child protection associations such as Stop VEO, Childhood without violence even considered banning it. But, in reality, thehe Council of Europe does not really specify whether it is for or against the time-out. It only specifies condemning all forms of educational violence. It therefore remains to be defined whether or not putting a child in a corner (time-out) is considered educational violence. However, from one parent to another, the answer will not be the same.
Is time out effective in punishing a child or not?
For Sandrine Moreira, psychologist and early childhood trainer, this is a outdated educational technique. “It makes no sense in view of what we can learn and know from neuroscience on the benefit of accompanying the child”. And for good reason, she further details, “when there is a disagreement, a conflict or a child who transgresses the limits, it is not only a behavior, it is also and above all an emotion”. Another important clarification: the child does not yet have a sufficiently mature brain, he does not act with a desire to annoy us.
According to the psychologist, there is therefore no power struggle with the childeven if the behavior is not approved, simply be there, in the accompaniment of his emotion: “You can’t leave a child alone with his emotion. It is not possible because of his cerebral, emotional immaturity, it has neither positive effect, nor educational effect”. If not, the pitfall? A conditioning of the child who, to avoid having to find himself again in the corner, punished, alone in the face of his emotion which overwhelms him, silences him and accepts the instruction of the adult without him having any meaning to him.
“The time-out makes no sense in view of what we can learn and know from neuroscience on the benefit of supporting the child”.
Is the time-out considered educational violence?
If opinions differ, for Sandrine Moreira, the time-out can indeed be considered as educational violence and, in any case, is not the ideal solution to calm a child. The only exception according to her: when the parent, overwhelmed or helpless, is close to falling into physical violence: “it is obviously better to isolate the child for a while, rather than risk overflowing and falling into physical violence.”
How to punish your child?
In the opinion of the psychologist, there is no ideal solution, it is better to act on a case-by-case basis. Among the solutions, what can work is, for example, divert his attention to something else. As parents, we know our children well, so it’s up to us to take stock of what works or not with him. And above all, how we can enter into a relationship with him differently. Sometimes, “we realize thata child misbehaves or throws a tantrum to get the parent’s attentionincluding if this is not the expected reaction”, reports the psychiatrist. In short, our offspring want to enter into a relationship with us, and if that gives rise to a conflicting relationship, so be it.
What is the time-in?
A good alternative to the time-out: take the opposite course by adopting the time-in. Rather than isolating it, “the child, on the contrary, needs to be in the presence, that is to say accompanied and that we can focus on his emotion at the time and not just on his behavior“, she deciphers. We then become aware that there is something overflowing, that our child is in transgression, in the test of bodily, affective and cognitive limits. However, to calm him down, a hug is often enough. Of course, as Sandrine Moreira points out, “the adult must be able to do it at the time, that is to say that he himself is not emotionally overwhelmed, annoyed or ashamed of a situation likely to do it on- react.” It is necessary to be able to accept his emotion, to tell himself that he is simply frustrated and to give him a hug for it to pass.
His advice: tell him that we understand that he is angry or disappointed, that he has the right to be and that to help him get over it, we can give him a hug, read him a story or put on a little music that he likes. The idea is that he knows that we are there for him and that we do not deny his emotion.