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Repeating “thank you” to your child may not be the best way to teach politeness. According to a family therapist, there is a much simpler and more natural way.
“Come on, say thank you!”… Which parent has not tirelessly repeated this little injunction to their child, to make him a polite and kind little being? Because of course, politeness is a quality of living well together. But according to two therapists, this way of doing things is not the best way for the child to learn quickly.
Why forcing your child to say thank you is not the right method
On their Instagram account Big Little Feelingsfollowed by more than 3 million people, Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant, two therapists, give surprising advice to parents: we should stop constantly “forcing” our child to say thank you.
“This method is not likely to make children respectful of good manners in the long run. When you force children to apologize or say thank you, you are relying on an external motivation, i.e. to please yourself or to avoid getting into trouble.”explain the two specialists.
So, the child who decides to say thank you does so to please his parents, but does not necessarily understand the process.
The example given is much more impactful
Should we give up this “thank you”? Not at all! Learning politeness is essential for your child, but it must come from him.
“What we want to teach is an internal motivation so that even when you are not there, your child continues to demonstrate good manners and be considerate.” therapists emphasize.
The right method would rely more on modeling good behavior, which you can emphasize with your children to get the message across.
“It looks like this: ‘Can you bring that plate, please?’, ‘Thank you for bringing me the plate!’, ‘Thank you, Dad, for pouring me water.’ You model how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in front of them and tell them, as well as writing down the exact action you appreciate/want them to repeat, so they know what to continue doing.”
A practical way to teach politeness that would also have a positive impact on the child’s well-being: “You make them feel appreciated, valued and part of the family. This makes them feel good about themselves, which goes a long way in getting better behavior.”assure the two specialists.