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According to young women on the networks, men are real chatters on dates, but ask no questions (or almost no questions) to those who share a drink with them. Why this one-sided attitude? A communications expert gives us the answer.
“I just got back from a meeting. Two hours of my life… no questions about myself.” This is the disillusioned debrief launched by a TikToker on the social network which recently resonated with the fairer sex. As of “date”, many of them regret a lack of interest on the part of these gentlemen…. who nevertheless try to talk, a lot, but only about themselves.
A new kind of dating in the age of apps
For Dr Sandra L Faulkner, professor specializing in relationships and communication, this romantic faux pas can now be explained by several elements. The arrival of applications in particular which have “seismically” modified the romantic landscape. Dating used to be about ineffable chemistry and natural conversation, but it has become fun, along the lines of online shopping apps and job applications.
“It’s as if in a capitalist, hyper-individualistic society, men approach dating like they would a job interview, an opportunity to prove themselves rather than making a real connection. establishes the expert.
And at a time when many people are mixing codes (Linkedin is sometimes used to meet people) men are so busy trying to sell themselves that they forget to ask you questions.
“We don’t give ourselves time to make a few mistakes and engage in a real back-and-forth dialogue” explains the professor in The Independent.
The fear of disillusionment when discovering the other
Another explanation is based on the idealization of the romantic partner. According to a study, when we meet someone we are attracted to, we are captivated by the hope that this relationship will be a miracle solution to our problems. But the dissolution of this ideal occurs as we get to know the person, which is why so many relationships don’t survive beyond the first few dates.
The dilemma has undoubtedly been exacerbated by online dating: it’s easier to conjure up someone’s image from a handful of flattering photos, but for Dr Faulkner, such a one-sided approach will inevitably elicit problems. “If you view a relationship as one where you don’t need to collaborate and you are the center of the universe rather than “we” being the center of our relationship, it might give a distorted view of what implies a romantic relationship. Not sure if it goes further than this first date.
Gender norms that also persist
But this dominant role of humans in conversations didn’t just appear because of apps. It is also to be found on the side of standards, as Dr Faulkner explains.
“I don’t think there are innate differences, but we sometimes teach children in different ways. For example, women are valued for being kind and agreeable, which often means not being assertive… Men, in “On the other hand, we learn to be aggressive and take the lead. This is particularly evident in romantic interactions, which constitute a sort of microcosm of broader gender dynamics.”.
However, according to the expert, this problem was aggravated by the isolation caused by confinement, which reduced our real interactions. “We need to be interested in each other’s stories and develop our skills of listening and asking good questions. In the absence of this, I think we fall back into outdated gender roles, in which women should be quiet and accommodating and men should be responsible for everything. This is not the path to true understanding.” she concludes. We couldn’t agree more.
Slide: Hands, lips… Decode the signs during a first date!