This is why you can’t stand this person.
The way our parents encourage us, congratulate us, value us when we are children has repercussions throughout our lives. We need this type of consideration to evolve in a fulfilled way. “It is important to encourage a child’s progress, it stimulates them and encourages them to do better. But if the encouragement is constant, it loses its value”explains Dr Yasmine Liénard, psychiatrist and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist. There is a happy medium.
“We must imagine the encouragement integrated into a graduated scale from 0 to 100%. 0% encouragement is emotional deficiency. An excess of valuation would be around 100% and would lead to an overvaluation of the child, at least detriment of what it is, with its imperfections.” If a parent overly encourages their child, it may be in reaction to what they themselves experienced during their own childhood. His child then becomes a substitute for valorization. “A child who is constantly praised can serve a narcissistic desire of the parents and be a foil. The child is encouraged, congratulated, for things that are not necessarily good for him, such as physical appearance or school grades. “school, but which will satisfy others (especially his parents, editor’s note) and an appearance”continues the expert.
In a child who is constantly complimented, “too much valorization gives the impression that it must always be perfect to seek the best interest of the parents.” This is a pathological admiration, which can lead to developing a narcissistic personality disorder characterized by a constant feeling of superiority, a need to be admired and a lack of empathy. The child who becomes an adult will feel “extraordinary”, above others. He may also develop an intolerance to frustration, not tolerating limits, not accepting criticism and not accepting moments when he is just “ordinary” or “life faces criticism” recalls Dr. Liénard. People who grew up with overvaluation can collapse at the slightest failure. But it is possible to avoid this.
“It’s important to give the child limits”reminds us the expert. We can encourage him to reinforce good behavior but without making him a narcissist and instead teaching him self-esteem. “Narcissism is dreaming of an ideal of oneself that one will never achieve, while self-esteem is accepting oneself as a non-ideal human being.” Self-esteem teaches you to accept yourself, ordinary, with your fragilities, your faults, your limits and to take care of yourself and your body, rather than your physical appearance.
Thanks to Dr Yasmine Liénard, psychiatrist at Bordeaux University Hospital and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist and author of “Healing Childhood Wounds”, published by Odile Jacob.