This sentence is perceived as an alarm signal by children. And in the long term, it can create many anxieties, according to a psychiatrist.
All parents have already faced scenes of anger or frustration on the part of their child. These moments can be intense, sometimes even destabilizing. When a child behaves badly – that he shouts, that he lies or acts inappropriately – emotions are often on edge. In these situations, the parent then has the instinct to reassure his child. But in reality, a common sentence, thought to appease, can be deleterious.
Indeed, even when they are small, children have a fundamental need to know that their parents’ love is unconditional. This means that, whatever their conduct, their place in the family and their value are never questioned. This is why, when a child expresses feelings of guilt or shame after poor behavior, he then seeks emotional security. He needs to feel that, even if his actions are not acceptable, he remains a person worthy of love. But sometimes, instead of offering him this security, parents can involuntarily introduce a doubt, a conditioning of their love. Thus, a message like “We love you, but …” can be perceived by the child as a condition set for his affection.
Indeed, although it seems comforting to say “We love you, but we don’t like your behavior “this sentence implies that parents’ love is linked to the actions of the child. This can deeply destabilize a child, capable of believing that his behavior determines his access to family love. This sentence suggests that love is a reward and that it is suspended from a possible “bad choice”. Doctor Stacy Doumas, psychiatrist for children and adolescents, explains that this formulation sends a very harmful message: “By adding the word ‘But’, you point out that there is an exception to your love”. This perception can lead to a series of long -term emotional repercussions and affect your self -esteem, generate anxiety, feelings of insecurity and difficulties in establishing balanced relationships in the future.
The role of parents is therefore to accompany the child in his moments of frustration and strong emotions. However, it is crucial to distinguish unconditional love and evaluation of behavior. When a child is turned upside down by his mistakes, it is essential to offer him a secure framework where he can express his emotions, without fear of being rejected. In these moments, the sentence to favor would be: “I love you, no matter what you do“. This formulation avoids conditioning love for behavior and strengthening child’s assurance over their membership of the family.