A toxic person harms emotional, mental and sometimes even physical well-being. Most of the time, we think that this type of dynamic is born in a couple, a friendship or within a professional relationship. It is then possible to take refuge with one’s family to find comfort. But toxicity can also come from there, it can even come from one’s mother directly. There is then no more safe, comforting and encouraging home. No more points of reference. The family space looks more like a turf war in which the child carries a heavy burden. Sometimes, the behaviors are so insidious that it is difficult to identify and question them. And it takes time, even years, to open one’s eyes and manage to free oneself from this hold.
The source of toxic mother-child relationships most often comes from the mother’s own childhood wounds. These wounds have transformed into unfulfilled childhood needs, which she will place on her child’s shoulders. “When you look at these mothers, you realize that they all have unmet needs: the need for control, the need for power, the need for emotional support.” explains Clémence Biel, certified coach, trained in child psychology and neuroscience and author of the book “What if your mother is the problem? in bookstores September 18.
We all have childhood wounds that can be activated, those of a toxic mother can resurface depending on experiences and stages of life. “For example, her daughter’s adolescence can have a mirror effect on her mother. She will realize all the potential she has not exploited in her own life.” The toxicity of a relationship is not always easy to distinguish. To see more clearly, Clémence Biel draws up seven profiles of toxic mothers:
- There mother victim : she begs for attention by playing the victim. “It’s a kind of disguised narcissism. She’s so focused on her own discomfort that there’s no reciprocity in the relationship.”continues Clémence Biel. The child often takes on the role of the savior and risks developing this savior syndrome in all these other relationships.
- There smothering mother ; she thinks she just loves her child “too much”. “There are no healthy boundaries. She often uses the phrase ‘You are my reason for living’, while the child opposite is suffocating.” the specialist warns. In his adult life, the child will confuse codependency and love.
- The mother who needs to be mothered : she demands from her child the maternal love that she lacked during her own childhood. “She often says, ‘What would I do without you?’ which puts a huge responsibility on the child’s shoulders.”
- There controlling mother : “She is convinced that she knows better than her child: what he feels, what he needs, what he is and even what he might think.“This mother can be very critical, the child can erase his own voice and internalize his mother’s voice as self-criticism in everyday life.
- There narcissistic mother : she wants to be seen as superior to others and uses her children to reflect a good image of herself to others. “She brags about her children, takes pride in their success”adds Clémence Biel. The child is looking for validation and thinks he is loved when he succeeds.
- There indifferent mother : she is insensitive to her child’s emotional needs and feels uncomfortable with emotional closeness. “She often represses her own emotions and therefore has difficulty accepting her child’s emotions.” What we call co-regulation of emotions, that is to say the management of emotions through the relationship with the mother, never takes place and the child will have the reflex to be rather transparent in society.
- The Unpredictable Mother : she has no emotional balance and can go from being a “kind mother” to a “ruthless mother” in an instant. The atmosphere in the home will be unstable and anxiety-provoking. As an adult, the child will still be in a state of hypervigilance and will feel insecure in his relationships.
A toxic mother can have one or more of these profiles. They can also evolve depending on the stages of life. From controlling, she can become unpredictable, etc.
A toxic relationship with the mother can lead to a very strong self-criticism for the child because the words of his mother have become his little inner voice, but also a low resistance to stress and a weak ability to regulate his emotions. Added to this is the fear of ending up like his mother, “which, contrary to what one might think, brings us even closer to our mother. The more intense feelings we have about our own mother, the more connected we are to her.” according to the specialist. A toxic relationship with the mother also leads to identity problems, “We were taught to play a role, to wear a mask since childhood and not to be fully ourselves.” The child will unconsciously be looking for healthy maternal love and will risk seeking it in dependent relationships (emotional, food, work, social networks, etc.) but will retain a feeling of emptiness. Finally, there will also remain a persistent feeling of guilt and indebtedness towards the mother.
To overcome this toxic relationship, we must identify its mechanisms. “Once the blockages are lifted, we will be able to try to free ourselves from this relationship.” This process may take some time, “we are not encouraged to question the functioning of the parent/child relationship” recalls Clémence Biel. You should not hesitate to turn to a psychology professional (psychologist, psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, etc.) to discuss and find liberating solutions. There are always some and it is never too late.