These six things a couples therapist asks couples to stop doing

Life as a couple is punctuated by more or less happy events, which we must learn to cope with in order to move forward. However, there are certain habits that persist in life together and a specialist therapist, Dr Stan Tatkin, interviewed by Yahoo, tackles them. Here are the six things he asks couples to stop doing.

Thinking “love is all you need”

This is a common phrase, which means that love alone would be enough to fulfill us. Yet, according to Stan Tatkin, “For love to be protected and for the love deserved to be achieved, you must establish your relationship according to this goal and not according to the emotion itself..

How to do ? According to him, it is necessary to organize and structure your relationship, a bit like a society. “You wouldn’t start a business, music group or dance troupe without a stated purpose, vision and rules of engagement.” he compares. “Only, in a couple relationship, you are two leaders”.

Trying to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong

During an exchange between you and your partner, do you absolutely want to prove him or her wrong? It is a mistake. According to the therapist, “the relationship must be protected at all times” and even during arguments, therefore. According to him, the couple is “a concept shared between you” And “it should be bigger than both of you“.

Compete against each other when you need to solve a problem

From the same perspective, when faced with a difficulty, the couple must try to resolve their difficulties hand in hand. “You are part of the same team“recalls Dr. Tatkin.”Before you do something, make sure it’s right for both of you. If a decision is made or a problem solved, when the outcome is not win-win, you face future problems, for yourself, but also for your relationship.” he assures.

The idea is therefore to negotiate with your partner so that everyone is satisfied and not to compromise.

Talking about sensitive issues while driving

Another common mistake couples make: bringing up a difficult topic of discussion in the car. “Start difficult conversation topics after you have parked the car or during a time when you can face each other.” recommends Stan Tatkin. “The person driving does not have the resources to discuss a sensitive topic at that time. An emotional conversation will upset her and she will likely choose fight or flight.“Which is not necessarily good for your relationship (nor for other road users).

Have sensitive conversations via text, email, or phone

In the same vein, it is better to talk about delicate subjects face to face and avoid other channels of communication. We therefore avoid thorny topics over the phone, by text message or by e-mail. “It is true that at present, there are a plethora of very modern means of communication” concedes the therapist. “However, good old-fashioned in-person conversations are the best way to convey emotion.” The text message to ask him to have bread when he gets home is okay, but not to discuss the future of your relationship.

Forgetting or neglecting to greet each other when leaving and meeting again

“Separations and reunions, whether you feel it or not, are very important to human beings” explains Dr. Tatkin. “How you end the day together and begin the next day affects your sleep, health, happiness and well-being.”. You will no longer forget to greet your other half when you come home from work, from now on, every evening.

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