Many parents tend to praise the merits of their children. Certain compliments, seemingly harmless, can nevertheless affect their self-esteem.
Compliments are meant to encourage and motivate. However, they sometimes tend to hinder a child’s autonomy and ability to take on challenges. “Praise, although it is sweet to the ear, can poison the mind,” declared the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, without foreseeing the echo of his quote in modern education.
As the child grows up, he takes a complicated path, that of autonomy. Obviously, he is not alone, his parents and loved ones are there to serve as crutches for him by instilling values and ideas in him. This help allows him to acquire two fundamental resources: self-esteem (loving himself) and self-confidence (believing in his abilities). Together, they promote resilience and ability to undertake.
But how can you support him? According to Hiam Ginott, teacher and psychologist, “a compliment has two parts: what we say to children, and what children in turn say to themselves. Our words should clearly express what we like and appreciate about ourselves. about their efforts, their work, or what they have accomplished”, he explains in his work “Between parents and children”.
This is why it is better to avoid evaluative compliments relating to physique, personality or character. Let us take two very illuminating examples. If you tirelessly repeat to your child “you are the most beautiful of all”, the latter will establish a gap between the subjective judgment of his parents and that of others. So prefer a more factual compliment on their energy or their clothes such as: “you look radiant today” or “I love this color combination on you”.
Likewise, avoid “you’re so smart” when your child brings in a good grade. This can pressurize him and make him feel like his value depends on this quality. On the contrary, if you encourage him by saying: “I see that you have learned your lesson well and done all the exercises. Keep going, it’s the best way to pass your tests!”, you will make him more perseverant without necessarily lock it into an idealistic conception.
According to education experts Catherine Gueguen and Carol Dweck, whose work is summarized in Human Sciencesevaluative compliments can cause three blockages: dependence on the opinion of others, sensitivity to criticism and the development of a fixed mind (i.e. avoiding taking risks). For this reason, it is better to favor descriptive, more objective compliments, indicates Haim Ginott. “Our words must be formulated in such a way that a child will not fail to draw a realistic conclusion about his personality,” he concludes.