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Whether you’re more aggressive or impressionable, the way you approach conflict can say a lot about you. But a single “fighting style” truly allows us to find a solution for everyone. To meditate before shouting.
In times of conflict, are you the type to bare your claws? Or to side with the one who shouts the loudest? In reality, there are not two response styles, but four, according to a New York psychologist citing several studies on the subject. Four ways to react, but only one that would be good for both you and the person you are arguing with. Which one suits you?
The aggression
For the aggressor (whether we are talking about a man or a woman) the first reflex in matters of conflict is to argue, to retaliate and to quickly outbid one another. In fact, the aggressor is perceived as impetuous and easily angered. He can fly into a rage, and wants to win the fight so much that he can say things he doesn’t mean and hurt those around him.
“Indoors, however, aggressive people can be terrified,” admits Lorend Soeiro, psychologist, in the Psychology Today media. “Even if they want an argument to be resolved, they still have to fight against a surge of inner feelings that they cannot easily express. This creates a feeling of confusion.chronic anxiety and a quick response and defensive to a perceived threat. Abusers believe they can only win when you lose.
Avoidance
Other people tend to retreat at the first sign of an argument. They prefer to ignore these problems, hoping that they will go away, rather than dealing with them openly. Of course, this “technique” is not ideal.
“Avoidants sometimes appear to others as emotionally cold, distant, or silent. The disagreements in which they find themselves involved can persist for years without degenerating into open conflict. continues the expert.
Continually avoiding conflict usually results in a lose-lose outcome, in which no one ever wins and no progress is made.
Appeasement
Not everyone who is physically uncomfortable because of conflict is likely to disappear at the mere suspicion of conflict; others will try to resolve tensions as quickly as possible, even if such resolution is premature or superficial.
“Peacemakers do their best to accommodate anyone who challenges them, but by “turning around” in this way, they may even make a significant sacrifice of their own needs in favor of a quick end to an argument.”
By wanting to calm things down quickly, the peacemaker is capable of denying his needs and sabotaging himself, sometimes with the feeling of being a martyr. Too bad, because while it starts from a good feeling, the resulting solution can ultimately lead to resentment, which often produces long-term negative consequences for a relationship.
The alliance
This last style of conflict proves to be the most effective. In a conflict (family friendly or professional), some people prefer to find ways to cooperate rather than reach a zero-sum solution, in order to maintain their healthy relationships.
“These people may be able to manage their own emotional discomfort to avoid becoming defensive in the middle of an argument, and they may often demonstrateempathy in difficult times in order to overcome these passionate moments”.
By achieving this state of mind, the person is able to negotiate, so that everyone can have a chance to “win” simultaneously, even if the result is not obtained quickly. This therefore does not mean giving up but taking into account each of the parties and intelligently finding the solution which will put an end to the conflict.
“With this type of solution, long-term relationships are prioritized, while momentary victories are not considered important,” concludes the American psychologist.
Good in his body, good in his head!
Being right is not the goal
However, the author reminds us: if you recognize in these 4 propositions your personal profile as a “fighter” and you do not particularly like what you see, know that it is always possible to modify and work on yourself to move on from the one who avoids the one who negotiates for example. This can start with not taking everything at their word when someone expresses or criticizes out of emotion, or taking a few minutes alone when a conversation seems to be slipping into an argument. Finally, never forget one imperative: the important thing is not to be right, but to find a solution.
Slide: The keys to a healthy argument