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Faced with the success of the Netflix documentary, “The Tinder Scammer”, a psychologist warns that anyone can be the victim of a manipulator.
The Tinder scammer, the new documentary from Netflix is a hit with the public. Shimun Hayut, calling himself notably Simon Leviev on the dating application Tinder, seduced several young women simultaneously before extorting astronomical sums of money from them. The method described in the documentary was relatively the same for each young woman. Travels abroad, gifts, starred restaurants, the young man dangled a luxurious lifestyle for his victims by claiming to be the son of a famous diamond dealer. Then all of a sudden, he explained that he was the victim of “enemies” who wanted his life. The scammer then asked his suitors for a certain amount of money to be able to continue living without being spotted because he was in serious danger. Meanwhile, he was using one’s money to spend it with one of the others.
In love, seduced, several young women who ended up each teaming up to stop and take revenge on the scammer and who agreed to testify openly in the documentary have despite everything lost a lot of money, even accumulating debts that ‘they may never be able to repay. $10 million was underdrawn in total between 2017 and 2019.
“It reassures us to tell us that they are different from us”
Cecilie Fjellhøy, one of the victims, explains that she initially received a lot of insults and comments from Internet users accusing her of having been naive and easily influenced by money. The reaction of many people when watching this documentary is often to say to themselves “this would never have happened to me”. A reaction to which Joni E. Johnston, psychologist, specialized in research in analysis on the murderers, made a point of commenting in Psychology today. “Why do we judge the victims too quickly? No doubt because it reassures us to tell ourselves that they are different from us, that we are immune and prepared against deception and manipulation”she wrote.
A self-defense mechanism against which the specialist wishes to prevent. “Believe me if you think you can detect a psychopath before being tricked into his nets you are certainly mistaken!”
“The manipulators rely on our human instincts and turn them against us”
The psychologist admits, some people have a more easily vulnerable profile. But not an innate profile, rather periods of life where our emotional need is such that manipulators can use it. These periods of life can happen to anyone, at any time.
“The manipulators rely on our human instincts and turn them against us”, she warns. The specialist encourages viewers to put themselves in the shoes of the victims. You meet someone lovely, he takes you to the most beautiful places, you see him pay all these things, they show you his friends, his bodyguards, he wins your affection, your love and suddenly everything collapses. The man you love is in danger, he even sends a video where we see him injured, some of the victims were even followed by the “supposed” enemies during appointments.
“Now imagine yourself in these circumstances. What will be your first reaction?, writes the specialist. The hypothesis that seems most plausible to you at the moment is that the man you love has spent months, money and energy making you rub shoulders with fake people, making you believe in a train life that does not exist and stage attacks? Or just the one that he really is being assaulted?”
The psychologist wanted to point out that she had never seen or analyzed the manipulator of the documentary, so she has no right or evidence to diagnose him as a “psychopath”. She is simply trying through this editorial column to explain that some people know exactly how a person is going to react and know how to use their instincts against the victim if they don’t realize it and it’s a little easy to judge the victims.
Consult a therapist online
The mechanisms of a manipulator, for some, can overlap. Here is something to put you on the alert in everyday life, as a couple, in friendship, at work, as in family, mental manipulation is everywhere!
- A strong, intense and above all rapid seduction: Isabelle Nazare-Aga, behavioral therapist, explained to us that a manipulator plays the mask of absolute perfection to better mislead you. What should alert you is his eagerness. Why ? Because at any moment the hold he has on you can end.
- A sudden, sometimes violent change: the behaviorist told us that this method was made to destabilize, to create discomfort that forces you to question yourself. The famous moment described by the American psychologist when we say to ourselves that no, we make our heads up, he cannot have invented all that, he is really in danger.
- Insulation: it is THE “red flag” that should alert you. “Distancing the person from his entourage undoubtedly allows a better grip” explained Isabelle Nazare-Aga, therapist.
- Blame: just as the Tinder scammer made his victims feel guilty about the risk of death they made him run if they did not help him, a manipulator makes you feel guilty in the name of the bond he has with you, love, family , friendship or professional conscience.