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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Too nice to be honest? By pretending to be the harmless guy at all costs, the “nice guy” could in fact be hiding something much more problematic for your relationship. The view of Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.
Being kind is not a defect, quite the contrary. But intentionally showing that you are the nicest guy around and suffering from this label might seem more like a strategy than a character trait. So be wary of this person who thinks they are “too” nice, or who regrets not being one of the bad boys.
Nice, but out of sole interest to please
The nice guy is therefore not the considerate and gentle guy you think. Moreover, he does not feel the need to be defined as such by others, since he considers himself a good man and often declares it. But this kindness is not free. According to Robert Glover, author of a book on the subject, men who use this strategy tend to think that they are “entitled” to a romantic or sexual relationship precisely because they are nice to you. (And if it doesn’t work, they are quick to accuse this friendzone place which unfairly sticks to them, because of their kindness).
Another way to manipulate the encounter
Behind this facade, the nice guy is not sincere. He surpasses himself for a time, but to obtain what he desires. An attitude that can quickly be recognized and turn against you, if you get caught up in the game. According to Kaytee Gillis, psychotherapist consulted by the magazine Choosing Therapythis nice guy also brings together several recognizable behaviors:
- He puts the needs of others before his own to win their affection;
- He becomes angry or resentful if his kindness is not reciprocated;
- He acts passive aggressively when his pleasant behavior is not noticed enough;
- He lies to try to please people;
- He says everything you want to hear, without revealing his real personality.
Five attitudes that hinder the couple’s daily development. (Besides, can it really be built on these bases?).
The nice guy, not to be confused with a good man
For Amélie Boukhobza, a clinical psychologist and member of our Doctissimo expert committee, this new label is ultimately the opposite of what a nice man is.
“There’s nothing very ‘nice’ about these nice guys anyway. They seem rather to be good manipulators who use pseudo-nice traits to achieve their goals. A bit in the same line of what we call love bombingthese outbursts of love out of interest which then turn against you. VSIt can ultimately amount to almost perversion, as if in return we owe them everything!”
Yes, but then, how can we sort things out and look at a sincerely good man? The key is to look at whether there is a requested exchange or not.
“A truly nice man is someone who does not expect a return for his acts of kindness. But someone who wishes you well and is happy to please you. And a nice man is very pleasant”.