Accompanying a person at the end of their life is a painful and emotionally difficult experience. It’s not always easy to know what to say or how to act. Here are some tips.
In such a situation, it is human to want to take initiatives, it is a way of trying to regain control over an uncontrollable situation. “But most often, the sick person knows better than us what they need. We must therefore start by asking them the question: “What do you need/want? How can I help you? What do you want to talk about?” explains Amélie Amilhau, psychologist in the intensive care unit. “Some people will need to withdraw into themselves when others want to be surrounded.” It is important to dare to ask these questions to respond to the real desires of the person who is experiencing their last moments but also “to avoid projecting our own needs, those that we imagined for ourselves if we had been in this situation”.
While some people may experience the end of life as a deliverance and already be in a form of acceptance, others may be overcome by floods of contrary emotions. Whether it is serenity, fear, anger, anxiety, the loved one must be able to “welcome the emotions of the sick person because it is very difficult to have reassuring words about what will happen after death”. For this, Amélie Amilhau advises loved ones to show their support through these types of words: “I see that this scares you; I am here next to you; I understand your anguish”. Above all, it ensures: “We must not believe that it is possible to alleviate this difficulty. Human beings often have a tendency to want to do things to help. Sometimes being present to hear and welcome what the other feels is the best thing we can do. ‘we can do.’
So in these moments “What you really need to do is listen. Listen to what the person feels, what they want to talk about, what place they want to give to this illness or end of life. Otherwise the disease could win twice: the first time by taking the life and the second time by depriving the person of last moments where positive emotions can have a place. Sometimes, the requests are simple and relate to primary needs: their favorite magazine, their cuddly vest. We don’t have to say to ourselves that we have to talk about big existential questions, basic needs are enough.” adds Nathalie Boisselier, psychologist. You must also avoid overwhelming others with your own emotions. In particular, we must not place the loved one who is going to leave us in the position of having to console us, or of having to silence their emotions to spare someone whose vital prognosis is not in jeopardy.
“The person needs the same gestures they had as a baby”
In the terminal stage, the sick person is “at the most vulnerable moment of his life”explains Nathalie Boisselier. To be reassured, “she therefore needs same gestures that she had as a baby, the other great period of vulnerability of the human being: feeling that a trusted person is present, feeling unconditional love, attention, reassuring gestures, looks empathetic”… These last moments together are also there to allow us to say things that have not yet been said like “thank you, sorry, I love you, goodbye”. “You have to be able to think about the future for the person who remains. So if these words are not said, it can be a loss for them. At the same time, saying these words can also be comforting for the dying person”underlines Amélie Amilhau. The terminal stage of an illness and therefore the end of life plunges loved ones and the patient into a situation which no longer allows them to talk about the future. “But that doesn’t stop us from talking about the past by remembering the last vacation, the funny moments, by looking at photos.” It is also possible to request: “Will it be okay if I tell you about such and such a person?” to tell what the child in the family did at school, for example.
“We can fear talking about the end of life, death, but wanting to beat around the bush is not always helpful for the person, alert Amélie Amilhau. It might do her good to talk about the fact that she’s dying. If the person actually seems to want to talk about it, it is important to discuss this subject with them, ask them if they understand what is happening.” Finally, avoid anger. “There is nothing fair about illness and death. During this ordeal, it is useless to deploy one’s energy in anger with remarks “yes but if the doctors had said that; if you had done it before…”advises Nathalie Boisselier. “We must remain as much as possible in positive emotions, in joy, in gratitude, in the goodbye, in this chance that may remain for us to accompany this loved one.”
Thanks to Amélie Amilhau, trainee psychologist and Nathalie Boisselier, psychologist.