When we feel distant from a loved one, we may tend to panic. But if we panic, it can introduce negative thoughts.
Sometimes, without understanding why, a person dear to our heart seems to move away from us. Distance can be physical as well as emotional and occur within a couple, in friendship or with people in our family. This situation can leave the person left aside in a state of incomprehension, but also facing negative thoughts. “Any reason can be possible for distancing yourself. But most of the time, it comes from a concern. You can be concerned for a whole bunch of reasons: the relationship itself, work, health, etc. ‘other relationships…’explains Agnès Verroust, psychologist. According to her, “what can alert is above all a small change in behavior, mood, a lack of availability, without the person no longer being present at all”.
“The first thing you can do when you notice that a loved one is distant is to understand their type of attachment. Someone who distances themselves does not necessarily mean that the relationship is in danger .” Indeed, when faced with a problem, certain characters will have the reflex to immediately talk about it to those close to them, to help them think and formulate their questions. Others, on the other hand, will only talk about their concerns after finding a solution for themselves. Establishing a distance can be a way for them to protect the relationship. “We should not see this way of being as suffering, it is simply a different character trait” clarifies the psychologist. Introverted people, for example, often need to take a step back and focus on themselves.
Whatever the reason, the psychologist is of the opinion to respect the need for distance desired by a loved one and to wait until he or she is more available before considering a cold discussion. It’s the best attitude to have. “In any relationship, I think it’s useful to have a little ‘meeting’ from time to time. Not necessarily every week, it could be every month or every 3 months”she advises us. The aim of this development is to improve the daily relationship by addressing in a positive manner the different problems that we may face. “It’s time to remember that we are always here to talk about it, that we can also feel hurt when we don’t understand the distance and that there are other ways to protect a relationship.”
Be careful, to move the conversation forward, it is important not to reproach, but to highlight your personal needs. For example: “I know you want to be alone sometimes and I respect that, but right now I need to be closer.” On the other hand, the person who is moving away can anticipate potential discomfort in a loved one, by explaining: “At this moment, I need to think alone about this problem that concerns me and I need that you respect that” or “Right now I’m not available, but I don’t want that to cause a problem between us.”
“At times when we feel distant from a loved one, we may tend to panic. And if we panic, it can introduce negative thoughts which risk making the situation worse.”warns Agnès Verroust. Negative thoughts can lead to jealousy for example, there can be an interpretation of signs which in reality mean nothing. To avoid panic, the psychologist advises using this time away to refocus on yourself. “To channel your questions, you can ask yourself: “What do I feel?” and “Is what I feel justified?”.” You will have understood, to live well at a distance with a loved one, you must not rush things and put things into perspective without forgetting to remain independent. “The more independent we are, the less affected we will be by temporary separation. And if discomfort sets in, don’t hesitate to consult a therapist”finally advises our expert.