Conflicts are inevitable in a relationship, and too frequent arguments can weaken your relationship. To avoid escalation, the five-second rule can be a solution.
What if arguments were healthier than they seem? Whether in our romantic, family or friendly relationships, we are sometimes tempted to remain silent out of reserve or fear of hurting people. However, burying your emotions can be more devastating than it seems. For psychologist Camille Rochet, in an interview given to France Inter“silence often expresses a silent violence, which is no less violent and can generate violence in others”.
So yes, you shouldn’t banish arguments, but you have to know how to manage them. At first, we blame a misplaced pair of socks or forgotten underwear, then the conflict escalates. The criticisms become more general, we no longer incriminate a singular event but faults: inattention, a lack of seriousness…
To compensate for this type of escalation, researcher Annah McCurry developed a study on the subject. She has conducted more than six thousand tests to analyze the triggers of aggression in an “ethical” manner. The system is simple: a couple competes against each other in a game of reactivity. Placed opposite each other, the partners each wear a helmet. In each round, the winner must make a more or less deafening noise resonate in the ears of the loser.
This strange device does have scientific interest. For researchers, it is used to measure the participants’ rate of aggression, without causing any real repercussions on their relationship. The whole point of this experience lies in the time it takes to administer the sound. In one group, participants could turn up the headphones immediately. In the other, they had to wait between five and fifteen seconds.
At the end of this study, the researchers concluded that the couple’s aggression, measured by the sound level administered into the loser’s ears, was influenced by the emotions of both partners. The higher the sound level was in one, the higher it became in the other. Conversely, when a waiting time was imposed, their animosity decreased. Therefore, taking a break would allow both members to calm down and gain control over themselves. “It seems obvious, but for the first time, someone has proven it empirically,” researcher Annah McCurry said in The Guardian.
Thanks to its simplicity of execution, everyone can use it. You just need to discuss it with your other half: it can be an experience, an attempt to resolve more or less recurring arguments. It allows everyone to regain their thoughts and reflect before expressing themselves. According to research, five seconds is enough. So, in the middle of an argument, stop everything, be silent for five seconds. The rest will be easier to manage. And not just with your partner.