The principles of non -violent communication hold in 4 letters: OSBD.
Very often, during an argument, it feels like the problem comes from the other. However, the way in which we speak conditions the reaction of our interlocutor. For example, if we tend to give not asked notices or to issue judgments, he will automatically put himself on the defensive and that is normal. To avoid misunderstandings and communicate effectively, there is a formidable technique: non -violent communication (CNV). Developed in the 1960s by an American psychologist called Marshall B. Rosenberg, it allows you to defuse a conflict, to assert its needs and to better know its interlocutor. “In” non -violent communication “, the word” violent “has nothing to do with physical violence as many assume but designates a takeover. For example, say” I am right, you are wrong “is enough to establish a hierarchy (the one who knows and is right and…. The other!) So a takeover and therefore violence “says Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr, coach, trainer and psychopractor.
The principle of non -violent communication calls for active listening, benevolence and empathy. The four pillars on which it is based are:
► Observation (o): The idea is to observe what happened without passing judgment. We describe the situation in fact. “For example, if we had an appointment at 4 p.m. and you call me at 5 p.m., my first reaction would be to scream you by pointing to your lack of respect for me. In non-violent communication, we say rather” We had an appointment at 4:00 pm, it is 5 pm “. It’s factual, there is no judgment”develops the specialist.
► Sensation (s): The idea is to state the feelings that we feel in this situation. “Many people make the mistake of believing that the other will guess what is felt but if you do not tell him, he will not know. This is valid as a couple, with family, at work … in short, in All areas of life. “
► Need (b): Behind a negative feeling hides an unmet need. “For example, if I am afraid, it means that I have a need for security that is not satisfied. If I am angry, it is because I have a need for control that is not satisfied.details our expert.
► Request for expression (D): We explain what happened, what poses us problem and what we need. We ask the other to kindly modify his behavior by showing him what is the interest for him, for us, even for our couple or our work team. “Often, it is the grip model that is problematic because we ask for things with too complex sentences”Pointe Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr. In CNV, you should say “We could put this in place because that’s what we would win there. What do you think?” Thus, the other is free to show his agreement or his disagreement. It is an intelligent way to settle a small conflict at work, with friends as a couple, it avoids letting things get away with it.
“In general, if you want to give advice to someone, it is better to always ask permission: do you allow me to give you advice or tell you what I think? “” People say “yes” and listen differently. Otherwise, this unconsciously gives us the position of the knowing, which is unpleasant for our interlocutor “suggests the psychopractor.
Thanks to Xavier Cornette de Saint-Cyr, coach, trainer, psychopractor and author of the book “I cultivate my kindness” (ed. Leduc)