The 3 little-known causes that explain the majority of couple arguments

It’s inevitable: life as a couple is sometimes crossed by more or less loud arguments. But have you ever wondered if you argue for the same reasons as everyone else? According to a study by Journal of Family Therapy published in 2016, there is a good chance that this is the case. Because most of our arguments as a couple come from personal frustrations regarding three general unmet needs.

The need for autonomy

Autonomy is the fundamental need to feel in control of one’s own life, to have the freedom to make decisions that correspond to one’s values, desires and goals. When you have autonomy, you feel empowered and authentic. In your romantic relationship, the need for autonomy manifests itself in the wishes and preferences that you have independently of the influence of your partner (your professional decisions, your hobbies, etc.). It is a necessary mechanism to ensure that you do not lose your sense of self in the relationship.

But when this need for autonomy is not met, when you feel like your freedom is being restricted by your relationship, it can lead to frustration and lead to conflicts over issues such as personal space. If left unresolved, these conflicts can undermine the integrity of a relationship, as it becomes impossible to find a balance between unity and individuality. Letting yourself be as an individual is therefore important.

The need for skills

Competence is the need to feel effective and capable of acting, of taking on challenges, of achieving one’s objectives. This is the need that contributes the most to your self-esteem. In a romantic relationship, this need for competence most often manifests itself as the desire to be a good partner, to feel like you are contributing positively to the relationship, and to meet your partner’s needs. This might mean providing emotional support, taking on shared responsibilities, or making your partner feel loved.

When this need for competence is frustrated, when you feel like you’re not living up to your partner’s expectations, it can lead you to feel inadequate. You begin to doubt your abilities as a partner, which can trigger feelings of insecurity and put you on the defensive. This frustration can quickly trigger conflicts: either by getting angry to defend your self-esteem, or by simply withdrawing from the game to avoid feeling even more like a failure. If this need is persistently unmet, partners may indeed withdraw, having the (false) certainty that they are not worthy of their relationship or that their best efforts will never be enough.

The need to be connected

Closeness is the need to feel connected to others, to feel loved, understood and valued by the people who matter most to you. Naturally, in an intimate relationship, this need is the cornerstone of a truly satisfying connection: When closeness is ideal, partners enjoy a shared sense of intimacy, trust, and belonging. This need will manifest itself as a desire for closeness, loyalty and mutual support.

However, when this need for connection is frustrated, when you feel disconnected, misunderstood or taken for granted, it can lead to significant tension in the relationship. If your partner doesn’t reciprocate the time and effort you give, you may quickly feel lonely, even when you’re with them, or start to question their commitment to you. This often gives rise to arguments about affection, attention, overall emotional availability. It is often in this case that one partner accuses the other of being distant or unresponsive, while the other may feel overwhelmed by the demands of closeness.

Vigilance therefore. Behind the slightest complaint about the time spent with your friends or on your phone could well hide a need for connection that is not satisfied.

Slide: Couple: 10 ways to reestablish contact after an argument