For weeks, the offensive of the proponents of a return to more authority against what they consider to be abuses of positive education has reignited the debate around parenthood. The proliferation of injunctions and arguments from the different camps, most often contradictory, is not likely to offer new certainties. So how do you become a caring and effective parent? While science doesn’t have all the answers, it does provide some useful information.
Avoid repressive strategies
Research in neuroscience and especially in scientific psychology has long demonstrated that violence, which induces intense stress, is harmful to the development of the child’s brain. A meta-analysis (a study that incorporates the conclusions of 88 scientific studies), published in 2002 in the journal of the American Psychological Association (APA), shows that if corporal punishment leads to immediate obedience, this stems from fear and harmful stress for the child. This work indicates that there is a clear link between the frequency and intensity of corporal punishment and the development, in the short and long term, of psychological developmental disorders and aggressive, antisocial or delinquent behavior. A study published in 2012 by the APA confirms that children who were spanked with an object once a week or more in the previous year exhibited more antisocial behavior than those who had never been spanked. On the other hand, there is no notable difference between children who are never hit and those for whom this punishment is rare, which suggests that an exceptional use of spanking (illegal in France since 2019) has no significant effect on children’s aggressive behavior, says another study published in 2002 by the APA. However, this punishment remains common in France, as the highlights a report by the Children’s Foundation that 15% of parents spanked their child during the week, and 8% spanked several times.
More generally, research in scientific psychology reveals that repressive methods are not very effective, even counter-productive. Even apart from corporal punishment, a meta-analysis published in June 2021 in the Journal of Moral Education argues that too frequent recourse to punishments, such as deprivation, is associated with a lesser development of the child’s moral and altruistic reasoning. “In children without problems, occasional punishment can work, but in those who are particularly impulsive, even violent, this is not the case. Rather, it is necessary to value appropriate behavior, to congratulate them when they behave well”, underlines Nathalie Franc , child psychiatrist at Montpellier University Hospital.
Benevolence and reassuring bond
How to avoid punishing your child? Still little known in France, parenting skills training programs (PEHP), whose effectiveness has been scientifically demonstrated, provide the keys. At their base is “secure attachment”. Formalized by the psychiatrist John Bowlby at the beginning of the 20th century, it is characterized by the development of a relationship of trust with the parents, because the child feels understood, loved and safe, in particular thanks to empathic listening. This bond requires in particular that the parent be able to communicate his emotions, positive or negative. PEHPs also aim to establish clear and predictable rules for the child, and to equip parents with tools to deal with opposition. “We first use strategies of ignoring and redirecting attention. If a young child refuses to eat, we can offer them a false choice, such as ‘Do you want to eat the meat or the beans first?’ For some more problematic behaviors, we will rarely use the time out and/or the loss of a ‘privilege’ – no more sweets today, no screen tomorrow, etc.”, illustrates Thomas Villemonteix, lecturer in psychology at the University of Paris VIII.
And while these programs primarily target children with problems, they work for everyone. “Between a young person suffering from disorders and a ‘healthy individual’, there is a continuum, everything is a question of gradation”, recalls Frédérick Russet, doctor of psychology at the Montpellier University Hospital. Nevertheless, PEHPs remain complex to set up and would require more systematic support for parents by health professionals. “You have to keep in mind that there is no perfect parent, but that there are methods to facilitate the development of the child”, insists Gisèle George, child psychiatrist and psychotherapist.
Don’t let babies cry too much
As he grows, should you sometimes let your baby cry, in the hope that he will cry less often in the future? “Scientific data does not give a definitive answer on this point”, indicates Thomas Villemonteix. According to a study published in 2020 in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, crying episodes actually decreased more in babies who were allowed to cry from time to time, and no negative effects were associated with it, provided that their basic needs (hunger, thirst, pain, etc.). “But the absence of a negative effect in a single study does not prove with certainty that no negative effect is present, continues the specialist. The effects can sometimes be more subtle or poorly captured by the measures used.” On this issue, scientific data cannot yet be translated into clear practical recommendations.
Héloïse Junier, doctor of psychology, pleads for her part for physical proximity. “The shared room with babies is recommended because it avoids sudden infant death syndrome, but also because it reinforces secure attachment,” she notes. A long-term study, published in 2018 by the Society for Research in Child Development, shows that room sharing between a mother and her child – up to the age of six months – is not linked to sleep or behavior problems at the age of 6 to 8 years. On the contrary, the mother would better assess the quality of her child’s sleep, and the child would subsequently be more sociable.
Teach your child to learn
“Scientific psychology also provides the keys to enable parents to teach their children to learn better,” explains Franck Ramus, cognitive science researcher at the Ecole Normale Supérieure and columnist at L’Express. Studies show, for example, that to consolidate your memory, there is no point in re-reading a lesson ten times and that it is better to recite, test yourself by answering questions, summarize by reformulating with your own words, etc. Regularly reviewing different content also helps to avoid losing the knowledge acquired. But more than anything, it is the child’s autonomy that must be developed, by giving him the habit of testing himself regularly on important notions, giving him a routine where homework comes before what he pleases.
Science does not justify the panic that screens inspire
As for the screens, if the speeches on the “digital cretins” are in vogue, the scientific data collected on the subject are far from being so alarmist. This is what Anne Cordier, professor of information and communication sciences at the University of Lorraine, and Séverine Erhel, lecturer in cognitive psychology at Rennes 2, explain to us in their book Children and screens (ed. Retz, 176 p.)which appears this Thursday, June 15.
Of course, children should not be left alone for hours in front of screens, but this advice applies to all activities. “Studies show that when there is too much screen time, children and tweens are found to be associated with emotional and social deficits. But if I spend time with my six-year-old on a YouTube video commenting on it both, is it ‘screen time’? Watching a wildlife documentary or Peppa Pig is also not comparable. And if a child spends two hours in front of a screen, will it penalize him? twice as much as if he spent an hour there? It’s far from being that simple”, illustrates Séverine Erhel.
“If we want to give really good recommendations, it’s to ask ourselves what activities will be beneficial in a child’s day. The answer: a little screen, a little sport, going to school, talking with him. An ideal day is a day where you do lots of different things,” concludes the researcher. Finally, on screens as on other subjects, science agrees with a simple, but essential logic: we must be wary of extreme theses, spectacular speeches and easy conclusions, and prefer to take a step back and measure them. .