SEARCHING FOR A SURROGATE: Inside a Stratford couple’s journey to have a child

October 17, 2020, should have been the best day of Brittany Henry’s life.

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The Stratford woman, already a stepmother to her husband’s teenage boys, always wanted to raise her own child, and the positive home pregnancy test that fall day almost four years ago was confirmation it was happening.

“The minute I found out, I wanted it out of me right away,” she said.

Henry, now 36, felt physically and emotionally trapped. She was unable to sleep, work or even socialize. Counseling sessions and conversations with her family doctor didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts that came from having another organism growing inside her body.

“I hate not being in control of my body,” she said. “It was awful.”

She later learned she suffered from tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth that affects from two to 15 per cent of women, according to studies. Henry’s emotional façade finally cracked before Christmas in 2021 when she had a “huge meltdown” while cleaning her home’s basement with husband Matt McGill.

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Suffering tremendous mental misery, Henry made the difficult decision to end her pregnancy after seven weeks and pursue motherhood through alternative means.

There was relief but also sadness. Henry was mad she couldn’t carry the baby to term.

“Every year on the due date, I think about how old that kid would be,” she said. “All the things we’ve missed out on, I wish I would have been strong enough.”

The decision was made to pursue a surrogate.

“I don’t want to live with regret not knowing what it would be like to be a mom to my own child,” she said.

The couple visited a fertility doctor and educated themselves on the long and thorough process.

Henry, a hairstylist for 16 years, joked with clients that surrogacy was the only way she would have her own child. Many women said they wanted to help, but one client in particular – a mother of four in her late 20s who was also a friend – seemed the most serious.

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After months of counseling, tests and legal hurdles, the first round of in-vitro fertilization, which involves retrieving eggs and sperm from the couple, fertilizing them in a lab and implanting them in another woman, resulted in a pregnancy this past spring after two failed transfers.

Everything was going well through the first six weeks. There was even a strong heartbeat.

But, just like Henry’s own pregnancy, it ended in July at the seven-week mark.

“How much more good can I do in this world to deserve to get what I deserve?” Henry wonders. “I just feel like I do so much for everyone and everything, and why do I keep getting shit on? I went through all of this and was so proud of myself, and we were so close, and then it was just gone again. It’s awful.

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“We’ll never know what went wrong.”

The loss was also crushing for the surrogate, who relinquished her role after doing everything she could to help the couple.

“It was taxing on her, too, with four kids at home and trying to juggle that, but we were grateful,” McGill, 43, said.

The experience changed Henry, who knew many of his clients were dealing with infertility. Listening was easier than sharing, and she often suffered in silence.

The surrogate search quietly continued, but appointments started interfering with her job. It was time for Henry to come clean.

“I talk to people for a living,” she said. “Everything was just built up, and I was done.

“You feel like you have to be so quiet about everything, and so many people are going through this that nobody knows, and it’s just normal. I don’t like that.”

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Henry went public with the couple’s plight. A social media post last week detailing their journey elicited an “overwhelming” response. Many people reached out, including strangers from around the world in similar situations.

“It’s a crazy thing to go through,” she said. “It’s not normal, but a lot of people are going to have to do this.

“I have this desire to want to make a change. I want to help.”

Now she’s asking for the same.

Years of anguish, a remortgaged home and $30,000 later, Henry and McGill are back where they started. They’ve joined Facebook groups that connect couples with surrogates, but the numbers aren’t in their favor given one in six Canadians experiences infertility, according to 2023 data from the Canadian Fertility and Andrology Society.

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Canadian surrogates don’t get paid, unlike those in the United States, which further limits potential candidates.

Several prerequisites need to be met. The surrogate must be between 21 and 45 with at least one biological child, though exceptions can be made. They need to be physically healthy and mentally stable with no criminal background, and then approved by a doctor and counselor.

Beyond that, Henry and McGill want a surrogate who is local and someone they’re comfortable with. They want a surrogate as committed as the couple who met at work and started dating in 2013 before getting married four years later.

“We just knew,” Henry said. “Once we started dating, it was just easy.”

Henry and McGill have recently connected with two potential surrogates, but there are no guarantees. Henry is scheduled for more egg retrieval in January, and she figures the earliest they could attempt another transfer is April, assuming everything goes their way.

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Until then, there’s more lawyers, more counseling, more tests and more money.

But there’s also hope, which can be hard for someone who carries the guilt of not going through her own pregnancy and often wishes she was born without a uterus.

“You just hope for the best,” Henry said. “Life goes on no matter what. We’ve been through so much that you have to keep wanting it. The desire to be a mom is still very much there. I know how long this journey is, but I’m excited to jump right in. You think of the end goal. Everyone said it’s so magical when the baby is handed to you, and you keep thinking of that. If I don’t get that, or try, in this lifetime, I know I’ll live with regrets.”

[email protected]

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To follow the couple’s journey or to reach out as a potential surrogate, check out @my.tokophobia.journey on Instagram or Brittany Henry McGill on Facebook.

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