Published on
updated on
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Johanna Rozenblum (clinical psychologist)
To make a strong impression, some lovers are not afraid to surprise their loved one with visits, gifts, or any other way of showing their presence. Romantic behavior? It depends: if he crosses an important boundary for you, he could be a toxic personality.
Receiving a pretty bouquet of flowers a few days after a meeting can put a smile on your face and lift your heart. Receiving this same bouquet at your professional address (which you did not give) in the middle of a meeting can, however, be embarrassing… and a sign that you are dating an abusive personality. Do you know how to recognize when romanticism gives way to a kind of harassment? The line is sometimes fine.
Audacity or abuse? The limit is fine
In the magazine Psychology TodayWendy L. Patrick, lawyer specializing in behavioral analysis and harassment, discusses a study which analyzed the “gray areas” of romance. This moment when, to capture the attention of a partner, we develop strategies which are then conservative or daring.
In this game, some are “presumptuous” romantics, that is to say they select “strategies to attract attention or increase closeness with a romantic interest, regardless of what the pursued person thinks or feels.” Their romantic tactics include grand declarations of affection, spying on social media, crazy acts…
Strangely enough, if the game is not mutual, the romantic suitor who engages in presumptuous behavior runs the risk of being perceived as “weird” or “creepy.” Whereas in the presence of reciprocity, he could be perceived as “bold” or “risk-taker”. Whatever the case, according to the authors, the presumptuous lover did not choose this path according to your character, but according to his own.
When interest turns to obsession, the risk of people being too presumptuous
In this same study Valshtein et al. also found that these intentions were linked to higher levels of perceived entitlement, narcissism, and impulsivity. They explain that these intentions predict relational behaviors such as coercion, abuse or even harassment.
Indeed, according to the definition, harassment means “repeated, unwanted attempts by a person to threaten, approach, or harass another person, causing fear or annoyance in the target.” Thus, these displays of affection in public, or these calls in the middle of the night can be the work of a lover who does not know how to regulate himself. But can also be the beginnings of harassment. Vigilance.
Concretely, what to do and how to react when this new arrival in your life behaves a little excessively for your liking? For psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, the first thing to do is to appeal to your instinct, your intuition:
“as soon as we feel that there is a framework where the other seems to want to possess something, that lines are crossed too quickly in the private and professional sphere, we must be able to say it to each other and trust each other without having to search for legitimate evidence. Your feelings are the first alert.
Very often, fortunately, it is simply enough to discuss things to formalize things, about your own limits, the pace that this story is taking, and to calm things down (it was simply a harmless excitement…). Sometimes though, that’s not enough.
“If things have been formalized but the person continues to go out of the box, to appear after work, or when not requested, this constitutes intrusive behavior,” underlines our psychologist. “We can then wonder if he heard the framework (some people are overwhelmed by their emotions, it happens!) or if he does not accept it, and does not take into account the limits set.”
In this case, without change despite an adjustment, there is undoubtedly a behavioral problem, which can become annoying unless it is put to an end quickly.
Slide: 6 types of sentences spoken by toxic people