Published on
Updated
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Noemi Benhamou (Psychologist specializing in perinatal care)
Medical validation:
December 22, 2023
Noemi Benhamou
Psychologist specialized in perinatal care
If Christmas is often synonymous with happiness and reunions, this long-awaited celebration can also be a source of conflicts. The little one’s bedtime or even the choice of gifts can be a source of debate at the table, or even reflections. How in this case to counter them, with skill? Noémi Benhamou, psychologist specializing in perinatal care, gives us some answers.
Before Christmas
Anticipate the evening
These reunion moments being loaded with representations, expectations and strong emotions, anticipating them before the big day allows you to prepare as best as possible for these possible remarks. Noémi Benhamou, psychologist specializing in perinatal care, specifies that this anticipation can prevent many conflicts.
“This Christmas meal can be thought about and reflected on in advance. Everyone knows their family, their system, with their qualities and areas for improvement. What will be the potential sources of conflict? What feedback should I expect to receive? On what subjects am I likely to be more on edge? Thinking about these points beforehand will allow you to consider them in a calm and healthy way.“, she confides.
The other advantage of anticipation? It allows you to limit your expectations.
“We often have this fantasy, this utopia that Christmas Eve will happen “differently”, but, in reality, it is rare to notice that the system evolves during these festivities. Christmas is often an evening that concentrates tensions, because there are a lot of expectations on both sides. Anticipating it therefore allows you to be less disappointed“, recognizes the psychologist.
Communicate about these expectations
Exactly, what can we do with these expectations? Certainly not sitting on it, according to the expert:
“We need to communicate about these expectations. Arriving at the meal having expressed your wishes will help avoid a lengthy meal around the table if some prefer the formula of a buffet dinner, for example. We must see, here, whether the expectations of the participants correspond. If this is not the case, don’t panic: it is necessary to ask yourself what solution(s) can be put in place so that everyone can meet their expectations”, reveals Noémi Benhamou. “It can even be be an opportunity for a valuable collaborative exchange…“.
Collaborate as a family
Finally, collaborating together, planning the outcome of this holiday meal, is constructive. “We tend to put children aside, wanting to surprise them or deeming them too intrusive during the preparations. However, mobilizing them and offering to collaborate will give them the opportunity to also become actors in this evening. This will not only be an additional help but will also anchor positive memories in the long term.”admits the psychologist.
During Christmas dinner
If, despite everything, remarks that you consider derogatory come along at this time, here are some strategies to consider to preserve a peaceful climate.
Adopt the fog technique
“When faced with a heated issue (What time does your child go to bed, does he sleep through the night, do you make him sleep in your room?) the fog technique can prove to be useful. very useful. It consists of giving an approximate answer or giving others what they want to hear. If, of course, this is possible and this tip does not cost parents too much“, advises Noémi Benhamou. “Ultimately, others only become judges of your education if you offer them this power…“.
Try the “low” position
“If conflicts arise at meal time, and you have the necessary energy, diplomacy will always prove its worth. We can try to adopt a position that we describe as “low”, by being neither in hedgehog mode, – in other words by having our peaks raised, ready to rebel – nor in doormat mode, that is- that is, by crushing yourself in front of others. The low attitude can be expressed for example by “I” instead of “you”, so as not to accuse the other and not to place them in a defensive mode. This posture can be very helpful.”assures the psychologist.
Withdraw if necessary
Another tip from the expert: know how to leave at the right time, especially if the meal costs you too much. For that, “We must measure the cost of investing in this meal. If it is too painful, if it requires too much mobilization and if it causes excess tension, we can allow ourselves not to go. Another option: go there for a short time, stopping by just after dessert or just after the meal for example. Learning to listen to yourself and protect yourself can be one of the greatest gifts you could give yourself…“, suggests the expert.
Slide: 12 useful responses to traditional Christmas meal reflections