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Couples are often encouraged to compromise in order to move forward. But is this really the solution to everything? Don’t these arrangements, based on sacrifice, lead to resentment at some point? A psychologist proposes another approach based on finding a solution.
Marriage (or a relationship) is about compromise. This is how things are often presented to young partners facing conflict. But even if compromises can help us overcome a problem, they would not be ideal for leading a balanced relationship in the long term. This is what a psychologist shares in the magazine Psychology Todayfrom which we could draw inspiration.
Compromise, source of two frustrations
Marisa T. Cohen illustrates her point with an example. A young couple of parents suddenly have a free evening: the young woman finally wants to go out to celebrate a friend’s birthday while her partner was dreaming of a romantic evening with a nice dinner at home. After arguing on both sides, the couple agrees: they will have dinner, followed by a shorter outing with friends. A good “in-between” to please everyone? Not really: in the end, the mother will feel like she missed half the evening, when the father will not have enjoyed his timed dinner. But then what should have been done? Should one of them have given in?
Be in listening rather than in persuasion
So, compromise is not a guarantee of a fulfilled couple. Research also confirms this: according to it, compromises that involve accommodations and sacrifices can lead to anxiety and even depression.
But to solve the problem, Marisa T. Cohen already proposes to change the discussion, and to transform what you take for a debate, into a simple open discussion.If the couple can reframe how each engages and remember that this is a discussion, not a disputehe will be able to communicate in a more gentle and kinder way” she says. In short, rather than trying to convince your partner that your plans are the best, approach the discussion with love and compassion and really listen to what the other person has to say to you, too.
Create rather than concede
The purpose proposed by the psychologist?Instead of everyone conceding and losing part of both experiences, create a common solution!” she suggests. To use her illustration, she suggests, for example, that instead of cutting the evening in two, the couple could have possibly taken advantage of the babysitter to actually go out, but created another special moment for that famous romantic dinner, once the children were asleep another evening. In this way, there is therefore a solution to honor everyone’s choices. But such a result can only be found if you decide to approach your proposals in a spirit of kindness. And not as a competition.
Slide: The keys to a healthy argument