The world is full of difficult personalities, but the one that is impossible to avoid is the narcissist. They are usually the most insecure people in a room, but have found a way to look ultra-confident.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a psychologist specializing in the study of narcissism. She discovered that, in most cases, highly narcissistic people are masters of manipulation. Their main goal in a relationship is to compensate for their insecurities by controlling and manipulating others. Here are six phrases they always use — and how to deal with them:
- “I don’t want to talk about just me, but…”
Statements like this show that narcissists know they shouldn’t dominate the conversation, but do it anyway. It’s like a pseudo-warning that gives them permission to focus only on themselves.
How to handle it: If you strike up a conversation with a narcissist, be prepared for their story time. If it’s interesting, listen. You can even treat it like a live podcast. But if you’re hoping for a two-way conversation, look elsewhere. - “I’m sorry you feel like this.”
Narcissists have a hard time admitting their wrongs and this sentence is their classic attempt at an excuse. But it’s actually a way to divert attention. With this sentence, they imply that your feelings are your own problems and that they will not take any responsibility for their behavior.
How to handle it: Without genuine remorse, no matter the transgression, narcissists will likely repeat the act that hurt you. The easiest way is to disengage from the relationship with this person. Because to avoid suffering in the future, it is often better to see people as they really are. - “Why are you doing this to me?”
Narcissists have an astounding ability to shift from being an aggressor to being a victim. You may be the one with the flu or a tough week at work. But if what you are going through bothers them, it will be presented as aggression on your part.
How to handle it: Seek support – from a therapist or an empathic friend, for example – to remind yourself that you are not the abuser. - “I’m a busy person. I don’t have time for that.”
“It” can be anything – maybe you want to discuss a project you’re working on together or you’re inviting them to a business event. The hallmarks of a narcissist are a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and inability to maintain reciprocal relationships. Not only are they unable to understand the needs of others, but they also ignore them.
How to handle it: Recognize their limitations. They probably won’t take time for you unless they need something. These relationships are often the equivalent of fetching water from an empty well… - “I hope you know who you’re dealing with.”
The evil counterpart of this sentence is: “If you harm me, I will make your life miserable.” This tactic of threatening and letting the possibility of revenge linger is how they create an illusion of power and a sense of fear in you. Most people don’t want to face this perceived threat, so they submit.
How to handle it: This can be unsettling, especially if you’re dealing with someone who actually has a habit of making other people’s lives miserable. Keep all emails and messages. If there is a genuine safety concern, contact a doctor or social worker. - “It is not fair.”
Narcissists believe there should be one set of rules for them and another set of rules for everyone else. When they have to comply, it reminds them that they are not special. Whether their friend’s business is successful and making a lot of money, or they have to pay a penalty because they tried to circumvent the system and got caught, expect a series of “this n is not fair”.
How to handle it: You might be tempted to appease them, perhaps out of guilt or to avoid conflict. But in doing so, you will set a precedent. Don’t seek to be the person trying to make life “fair” for them by making unreasonable personal sacrifices.