Taking everything personally causes real suffering when most of the time, the remarks addressed to us have no offensive intention.
“If they look at me and smile, it’s because they’re making fun of me,” “If she doesn’t agree with me, that means I’m probably wrong and I need to get over it.” question”, “If my colleague doesn’t respond to my email, it’s because he’s angry with me“… Some will say that it is a question of heightened susceptibility or even paranoia. In reality, the fact of taking everything personally causes real suffering. People who take everything personally have a hard time saying no, they need the approval of others, can spend entire days rehashing facts and are constantly on the defensive. While it is perfectly normal to feel hurt by inappropriate remarks or attitudes, sometimes we take things too seriously. However, most of the time, the remarks addressed to us have no offensive intent. These are simply facts.
A great fear of judgment and extreme sensitivity
“Taking everything personally amounts to interpreting each remark as a criticism against oneself. This phenomenon indicates a profound lack of self-confidence which often finds its origin in childhood“, describes Johanna Rozenblum, clinical psychologist. Mockery, devaluation, lack of emotional listening, perfectionism… Various traumas have generated a fear of judgment from the other who is then perceived as a malicious being. Resulting low self-esteem, a tendency to devalue oneself and extreme sensitivity. The fear of judgment is so present that it leads to avoidance behavior. “Not being able to hear a speech, a remark, a questioning from the other without feeling attacked, thinking of being in error to the point that each word of the other turns into criticism can reveal itself extremely difficult to live with for yourself and those around you“, informs the specialist. Furthermore, “taking everything personally makes us miss out on many discussions that would allow for exchange, understanding the other’s point of view, but also to improve ourselves because we get stuck on the belief that what is said is necessarily directed against uss, notes Johanna Rozenblum. However, this can be a barrier to the relationship to the other but also to personal development because if everything is a criticism, we miss certain information, certain messages which could allow us to grow or which we could contest but which would allow us to listen to others.
To stop taking things personally:
► Remember that most of the criticisms addressed to us are only projections of our interlocutors. A good person in their life does not feel the need to criticize their peers. As one of the four Toltec agreements reminds us:Whatever happens, don’t make it personal.”. Clear, “when someone talks to me – even if they say my first name – whether to criticize and devalue me or to tell me that I’m great, in both cases, they only talk about their world” psychologist Christine Magat explained to us in a previous article. “If I make a friend’s or colleague’s comment personal, it’s because there are holes in my shield. When facing these kinds of people, it is important to hold your shield firmly.”
► Observe the situation with hindsight. Just because we don’t get a smile or an email back doesn’t mean we’re angry! The person we are talking to may be overwhelmed with work or personal concerns, so their attitude has nothing to do with us.
► Understand that you cannot please everyone. Personality traits may please some people and displease others, such is life. Hence the importance of being aware of your qualities so as to no longer let yourself be affected.