As a couple, with family, with friends, impossible for you (or someone close to you) to let go of your (his) phone? This bad habit called “phubbing” would actually translate into avoidance behavior. Decryption with our psychologist and advice to get out of this situation.
Checking your emails during a romantic dinner, typing on your phone during a family evening, scroll through your Instagram notifications in the middle of a conversation with friends, rushing to your smartphone at the slightest notification… This attitude, which amounts to ignoring people who are with us for the benefit of one’s phone is called phubbing. The term is a contraction of the English word “phone” and “snubbing”. Do you think you are not affected? The French spent almost 4 hours a day on their smartphone in 2022 according to the “State of Mobile” report by Data.ai. We practice phubbing more often than you think.
Definition: what is phubbing?
Literally, phubbing means to snub someone using their phone. In the context of a personal relationship (family, couple or friend), when you speak to this friend who is on his phone, the question of a potential addiction arises. “Phubbing is more avoidance of self and others” according to Michael Stora, psychologist and psychoanalyst. It’s a way of avoiding yourself (I don’t want to think about anything) or the other (the relationship isn’t going well but I don’t dare talk about it). “She reveals an underlying problem“ adds the psychologist. Phubbing enters the realm of the pathological as soon as the entourage begins to alert and social ties are broken.
Who is most affected by this practice?
Anyone can be affected by it. “I notice that this is one of the most attributed reproaches to adolescents by parents. I always invite them to ask themselves why their child behaves like this” says Michael Stora. Young people practice a strategy of social withdrawal. “They can experience virtual socializations to the detriment of real relationships and this is where phubbing can become pathological. Virtual relationships are paradoxically more satisfying for young people due to the narcissistic valorization strategies implemented on social networks (the “likes”) and on video games (points, trophies and medals)” notes the psychologist.
What are the causes of phubbing?
Pathological phubbing reveals other intimate issues and a form of avoidance of others and self-avoidance (intimate issues, in the relationship with others, difficulties in expressing feelings, etc.). A teenager whose parents criticize him for phubbing at family dinners may be avoiding conversations about his grades or school. “It is a way of rejecting parenthood, a form of rebellion but a false rebellion since we are in avoidance rather than conflict” emphasizes Michael Stora. “In a couple, phubbing can reveal a form of cowardice or fear in the face of conflict. It’s February 14, Valentine’s Day, I’m with my partner and he takes out his phone. This can show that the other does not really want to be there but does not have the courage to tackle the problem for example“ illustrates our interlocutor. One can also mention the capture strategies implemented by social networks whose vocation is that the Internet user stays on it for as long as possible. “The GAFAMs offer us a form of digital happiness to compensate for our real misfortune“ remarks the psychologist.
“It is important to learn to be bored together and accept it”
Who are you most likely to practice phubbing with?
Our closest entourage (couple, family) is the one with whom we live the most intense but also the most boring things. “The couple who live together on a daily basis undergo the injunctions of love and happiness which can be “tyrannizing”. However, the daily life of the couple is confronted with boredom which is not particularly valued in our society.“develops Michael Stora. “He is important to learn to be bored together and accept it“ advises our expert.
What are the consequences of phubbing on our relationships?
“The consequences for our relationships are catastrophic. Phubbing participates in the disintegration of interpersonal relationships and causes social isolation“ alert our interlocutor. Rejection, if vexing, has the merit of transmitting one’s position to the other, phubbing is a form of indifference that creates a narcissistic wound of indifference. Let’s say you’re chatting with someone about a serious topic and the person in front of you opens their phone and checks their notifications, you won’t want to spend time with that person anymore or open up about a personal topic. . “We realize that “the screen makes a screen”. In a relationship, recognizing that the other is there through contact, whether visual or communicative, is essential to develop and maintain it.“adds the psychologist.
What image does it send back of the person?
Phubbing is experienced as contempt by the person who suffers it and it therefore returns a negative image, a form of indifference and disinterest towards the other.
“Dialogue is essential”
One of the ways to combat the relational consequences of phubbing is through sharing. “Share the content of what we watch in his phone, ask the other what he thinks and use it as a support for discussion” proposes Michael Stora. If we are faced with someone who phubs disproportionately and we have the impression of being despised by the other, we must dare to break this attitude and this avoidance by talking to the other about his feelings. “As phubbing is usually indicative of another underlying problem, related to the fact that intimate communication is very complicated, dialogue is essential” defends the psychologist. “To parents who complain about their children’s phubbing at dinner parties, for example, I advise them todiscuss topics of conversation that interest their teens and not to systematically address courses and grades, for example“continues the expert. If I am the author of the phubbing, those around me can notice it and sentences like “you’re always on your phone”, “you’re addicted to your phone“should alert us about our practice. When excessive or problematic phubbing is perceived, the underlying problem must be identified to resolve it. “In general, if the family, friendship and couple dynamics are benevolent, open to dialogue and listening, people take the time to talk and share, problematic phubbing is less likely” reassures our expert. If the problem persists, it is possible to consult a psychologist.
Thanks to Michael Stora, psychologist and psychoanalyst, co-founder of the Observatory of Digital Worlds in Human Sciences (OMNSH).