All parents yell at their children at least once in their life, with impact on the family and a good dose of guilt. There is one way to avoid losing your temper.
“You’re tiring me out, I can’t take it anymore”, “Take the door, get out of here”, “You’re going to get a donut”, “You’re just a good-for-nothing”… There’s more 50 years old, a certain Jacques Dutronc denounced in “Fais pas ci, fait pas ça”, a song full of enthusiasm, certain words of parents towards their children. Today, the majority of child psychiatrists repeat it: shouting at your children on a regular basis, far from instilling discipline in them, can affect their development, in particular by creating a feeling of insecurity.
A notable report, published in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect in the United States and based on 166 previous studies, recently warned about the effects of verbal violence during childhood and concludes that it is a sub- type of violence. Jessica Bondy, founder of Words Matter, an association fighting against verbal abuse of children, nevertheless recognizes that “all adults are sometimes overloaded and say things without meaning to”.
Indeed, all parents have already yelled at their children. And just because a father or mother loses his temper from time to time doesn’t mean he’s a bad parent. This reassures us about the unattainable ideal of the perfect parent and allows us to relieve our guilt after losing control over our offspring. The key is knowing how to defuse your anger in time and reacting well after shouting at the child.
The feeling of guilt felt by some parents after having severely reprimanded a child is already a sign of a desire to repair the consequences of their outburst of anger and reassure their child. This is the priority after an argument. To do this, you must first pull yourself together and reduce the emotional pressure calmly and, if possible, away from the children. Once the parent and child have calmed down, it is time for an apology.
The parent should apologize for losing his temper and explain that he or she should not have reacted that way, but should have expressed their anger or dissatisfaction in other ways. It is possible to clarify the reasons behind the anger, without accusing the child. After the apology, the child must above all be reassured and know that he is loved by his parents even after being scolded. This can come through tenderness or play, as long as the child understands that nothing has changed between him and his parents.
A quick tip to avoid screaming
If a tantrum from time to time has no consequences for children, avoiding shouting is a better solution and allows parents not to feel guilty afterwards. But how can you contain or calm your anger? A few seconds are enough. Education specialists have recently delivered a very simple technique that requires a little willpower, but defuses the escalation quite quickly: the moment you feel that the tone is going to rise, stop talking immediately and simply count to at 10.
These few seconds will allow you to block the expression of your anger. Then try to move the child away, if possible without putting him in danger. Some then advise a moment of introspection so that the crisis subsides and during which you must analyze what the cries would cause, to dissuade you from getting angry: the fright or the tears of the child, the broken bond, then your feeling of guilt. Then try to ask yourself: “What does this bring to me or to the crisis situation?”
When that’s not enough, parents can calmly explain to their children, even small ones, that they are annoyed or tired. If the children are a little older, it is possible to ask them to make an effort to respect the rules better or to calm down. Expressing your emotions has a calming effect. And as a last resort, one solution is to ask for help from your spouse or family member to take over when anger is about to erupt. And even if it bursts, there would always be time to apologize and remind the child that he is loved.