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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical Psychologist)
When you were little, did you ever suffer from your younger sister’s beauty? While this feeling is common, it should not be taken lightly. Here’s an update on this potentially toxic “physical” difference.
“QHow adorable he is!” Or “He has his eyes!” are phrases you’ve heard as a child when your brother or sister’s beauty was highlighted? While these compliments may seem harmless on paper – and you can’t blame your loved ones for whispering them – they can have a negative impact on your self-esteem. Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, tells us more about this.
A weight in the construction of personality
It’s a fact: sibling relationships can sometimes be complicated. But when there’s a physical challenge added to the mix – namely a brother or sister who’s more handsome than you – jealousy and self-deprecation can quickly set in.
“The feeling of comparison with a brother or sister, especially on a physical level, can be a real burden in the construction of personality,” confirms our expert psychologist, Amélie Boukhobza.From childhood, innocent remarks from relatives, such as a simple “oh, he’s cute” or “she’s beautiful”, can become deeply and even permanently anchored in the mind of the child who listens. And the one who is not directly complimented can then develop a feeling of “less value” that goes beyond the simple aesthetic domain”, she says.
In fact, if these compliments are repeated over time, they can end up affecting self-esteem, creating a tendency towards devaluation or causing a constant need for external validation, explains the psychologist.
“When a child always feels left out, as if they are never “the pretty one” in the family, it can also generate a form of insecurity that impacts future relationships, the relationship with their own body and even their personal ambitions. Some may seek to compensate by standing out in other areas, such as studies, social or artistic skills, but sometimes with excessive pressure. And dangerous… Ultimately, it can have a significant impact!” confirms the expert.
Take a step back from the situation… and work on your own qualities
When faced with a physical difference with your brother or sister, how can you protect yourself from the countless consequences? (family conflicts, jealousy, etc.) If you distance yourself from clumsy remarks ““is not easy”especially when repeated over time, it is nevertheless possible to take a step back.
“The idea here is not to pretend that these remarks do not hurt, but to understand that beauty is subjective and that it is only one aspect among others in the construction of oneself. And that there is ultimately no need to please at all costs in life. Taking a step back from the opinions of others, even those close to you, can help considerably,” assures Amélie Boukhobza.
However, to take this famous necessary “step back”, it is imperative to do some work on yourself.
“Learning to know yourself, to accept yourself as you are and to value your own strengths outside of imposed criteria is crucial… Because physical beauty, as flattering as it may be, remains superficial and fleeting. But confidence, creativity, intelligence of life, all of this remains and can truly redefine the way we perceive ourselves”, recalls the specialist.
Accept comments
Our expert’s other advice for finally succeeding in no longer being jealous of your brother or sister? Go through acceptance.
“Here, it is important to distance yourself from the gaze of others by accepting that remarks made in the family do not always reflect an absolute truth, but simply an opinion. Often, these sentences said lightly are not intentionally hurtful, but they can be misinterpreted. So, let’s not forget that we do not define a person’s value on a few words exchanged in a hurry!” reports the practitioner.
Finally, a last little tip from our expert to put the situation into perspective: ask yourself: “What does this really change?“.
“Whether my brother or sister is perceived as “more handsome” should not lock us into an invisible competition. As soon as we allow ourselves to exist for ourselves, without trying to compete, we break this toxic mental pattern,” confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
Advice that obviously applies to yourself, but also to other people’s children… So, before complimenting a toddler or even an older child, think about it!
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