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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Arguments within a couple are commonplace. However, if we can disagree on a subject, shouting should not be an invitation to the relationship. If this is the case, your partner is shouting at you, how should you react? The answers of Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.
A relationship always has its ups and downs, with some moments more tense than others. But if we argue – this is sometimes essential to put things back on track – there is no question of shouting at each other.
“Arguments within a couple are normal, often necessary to express things that are difficult to say otherwise” confirms psychologist Amélie Boukhobza. “However, when they are accompanied by screams, it is a sign that something is too overwhelming.”.
Why is my partner screaming?
Yelling is often a symptom of anger. “And anger is often a response to frustration, a feeling of injustice or an unmet need.” explains our expert. “Yelling may be a way to release and discharge this built-up tension, but it in no way excuses this behavior.”
Anger often manifests itself when emotions become too intense to control. “It’s an impulse overflow, as if something took hold of us internally and took over. It can be triggered by stress, fatigue, unmet expectations, or communication problems. The angry person may feel misunderstood or ignored, which intensifies their need to express themselves strongly. Amélie Boukhobza once again exposes.
It is obviously important to nuance this according to each person’s personality. “The anger of a very calm individual may be a sign of a bigger problem than that of a more sanguine person who reacts regularly impulsive (but probably less significant)” says the psychologist again. “Either way, shouting is not the best way to get the message across.“.
Good in his body, good in his head!
For the expert, it is important not to respond with shouting and anger in return, which would only make the situation worse.
“Two choices present themselves” summarizes Amélie Boukhobza:
- either say nothing and wait for things to calm downor, if the screams persist, leave the space, leave the room, or even really leave, specifying thatwe take a while but we come back (so as not to frighten) to allow the situation to go down again.
- once the situation has passed, we can try to understand the reasons behind anger from your partner by asking questions, calmly. “You need to tell him how you feel without accusing him: by explaining things clearly to him. It could be a sentence like ‘I feel hurt when you scream’. And discuss again only in a calm moment, after the storm, so that the situation does not remain unresolved and so that resolve the conflict“, she recommends.
Finally Amélie Boukhobza reminds us of the essential: “let’s not forget that anger is often the expression of something that we cannot say otherwise. But be careful never to enter into the dance of anger, because words can overtake thought and become insults, indelibly marking the couple and potentially leading to their destruction.” she concludes.
Slide: 8 behaviors that make an argument worse