Élodie Laloum is the mother of Ness, born in 2011. After considering adoption, she decided to do a PMA alone, in Belgium. In a touching testimony, she recounts her journey, her daily life as a single mother, the obstacles she had to face from the birth of her daughter, her fears, but above all her happiness at becoming a mother.
In 2011, Élodie Laloum has become the mother of a little girl, Ness, after a course of medically assisted procreation, with a artificial insemination with anonymous sperm donation (IAD), solo. She tells her journey in comics My life as a single mom (Dunod Graphic editions), with slices of life. The joy when the insemination works, the anger at the civil status representative who refuses to register Ness’s birth because it is not possible that she does not have a dad, the incomprehension at the to those who think that a child brought up by a single parent necessarily has a less good balance… Comics make us go through all the emotions. And that’s what makes it a captivating story, whether you’re concerned yourself with the LDCs solo (or just PMA) and the life of a single mom, or not. For The Women’s JournalElodie Laloum delivers her testimony.
“I first considered adoption, but I was faced with news that I did not expect at all”
After becoming pregnant on the pill, I had two abortions. Each time, my partners did not want children, so the pregnancy had to be terminated. But, on my side, I had a desire for a child which was very important, and which was becoming stronger and stronger. SO I decided that, as a single person, I was going to adopt. Once I had almost completed the very long process of obtaining certification, I was confronted with news that I had not expected at all. I was told that single women came after heterosexual and homosexual couples, and that the child they would then offer me to adopt would be at least 7 years old, that he could have a physical and/or mental handicap.
“I was told that single women came after heterosexual and homosexual couples, and that the child they would then offer me to adopt would be at least 7 years old, that he could have a physical and/or mental handicap. “.
When I was asked if I was still ready to go all the way, I said no. Adoption is already difficult when you have a toddler who is not disabled. Even in these conditions, it is not said that his life is balanced and that parenthood goes well, so I didn’t feel capable of adopting a 7-year-old child, with already heavy liabilities, and who had a disability.
How I decided to do a PMA alone in Belgium
The questioning on the PMA came following the mourning of the adoption. When I realized that I was not going to adopt, two American homosexual friends who lived in Paris told me that they were going to have a child themselves, by ordering sperm from the site of a sperm bank in Denmark. They opened the field of possibilities to me. But I wanted a medical follow-up. Nor did I want to have a child behind the back of a passing lover. SO, I started learning about artificial insemination, a common practice in Spain and Belgium for single women. Many French women went to these countries because following a PMA as a single person or a couple of women was then illegal in France.
I opted for Belgium. I was already the head of my own company, I knew that I was not going to be able to jump on a plane as easily as on a train. We only know at the last moment when insemination can be done, based on numerous medical analyses. Taking the train to Bruges seemed easier and faster. And, in Belgium, it is necessary to count 1500 euros for five spangles of sperm, against 5000 in Spain.
“It’s super violent to give life by being all alone”
The first six months of my pregnancy went very well. I was on top of my life. Afterwards, with the 30 kg that I had gained, I had back pain, pain everywhere. And thereI felt alone. It was not easy to manage the questions that arise when changing status. Unlike men, women become mothers during pregnancy., it’s physical. From the fifth month, I realized that my decision was irreversible, that I could never go back. I felt that my new life was going to be great, but I had to mourn my life before.
All these questions, I had to face them alone, and sometimes it was extremely frightening, no one was by my side to reassure me. For the delivery, I was accompanied by my mother, but it was difficult. It’s super violent to give life by being all alone. Nevertheless, I did like all women since the dawn of time, and I pushed. On November 27, 2011, Ness was born.
Being a single mother with a newborn is complicated
What I say to women who want to have a child alone is that, after birth, help is needed. Because in fact, we never sleep. So we go crazy. We are at the service of his baby and, when he sleeps, we have to manage everything else: the shopping, the laundry, the cleaning… This period was very difficult for me, because in addition, I had to end my maternity leave after three weeks, the person I had trained to replace me having fled.
It’s been hell I had severe postpartum depression. I think that the ideal is to be accompanied when you cannot have real maternity leave. Whether by relatives or an employee if you have the means. Besides, I was a mother wolf, even when she had a childminder, she only went there four hours at a time and three or four days a week, because I didn’t want to let go of my baby.
“I had to end my maternity leave after three weeks. I had a big postpartum depression.”
At school, “the mental load a thousand times greater”
When Ness was old enough to go to school, the separation was much easier. We have a little freer spirit, at least when the child is at school. Afterwards, I remained a single mom so, unlike all the other parents, there was no second person in case of emergency. The mental load is a thousand times greater. Fortunately, with other parents of students, we were able to support each other: when one of us was late or had an impediment, we took turns. The network of parent-teacher friends is an incredible support system!
Becoming a single mother, a decision that must be carefully considered
To women who embark on the same journey or who plan to do so, I recommend taking a lot of time for reflection, weighing absolutely everything: the financial, intellectual, spiritual aspect… The family environment too. The entourage must be there, not necessarily permanently, but since there is no second parent, it is even more complicated if there are no grandparents, uncles and aunts. , cousins, etc.
“There is one aspect that I hadn’t thought of, when I thought about it for two years, and that is death.”
For my part, there is an aspect which I had not thought of, whereas I reflected for two years, it is death. When I learned a few years ago that I had a brain tumor, it was not in my plan. My fear was not of dying, but of leaving my daughter, and I think it was a big scare for her too. So you have to have a real reflection, because it’s an extremely difficult, irreversible path and you don’t share this love with someone else.
This situation creates an ultra fusional relationship. All women have a special relationship with their mother and, when you’re a single mom, it’s tenfold ! You also have to know that there is real pressure. For example, I have no right to be sick. And if I am, I must continue to play my role as a mother. It can also put pressure on the child, he feels that he shouldn’t be sick at the same time as Mom, or that he should leave her alone from time to time. Introducing another person into the child’s life can be positive and, it’s true that, if I had to do it again, I would have liked someone else. But we are both very good like that!
Ness, “so happy” to see her story told in comics
Ness knows absolutely everything about this PMA course and its design. But she is especially proud to have a comic strip that tells her story and that of her mother. “I am too proud. I see the poster at the bookstore next to us. When I talk to my girlfriends about it, they think it’s crazy. At the beginning, when I was little, Mom wanted to write a book but, as she didn’t know if I was in agreement, she preferred to wait. Now I’m so happy!” she replied in her enthusiastic little voice.