They are called “lawnmower”, “helicopter” or even “tiger” parents, but what do these types of parenting mean? Are they beneficial for the child or should they be avoided? Lighting with therapist Anne-Laure Buffet.
There are no instructions for becoming parents, but many injunctions to become perfect parents. Except that we don’t all have the same definition of what it means to be a good parent: to take care of him, to protect him, to make him the best? In recent years, some specific parental models have emerged: they are called parents tigers, helicopters or mowers. We take stock with Anne-Laure Buffet, therapist and author of several books including “These separations that make us grow” (Ed. Eyrolles).
Who are these mower parents or snowplow parents?
The mower parent, which can also be called the snowplow parent, prepare the ground so that it is as smooth as possible. “They are very parents. protectorswho aspire to remove everything that could constitute a possible danger for their offspring., specifies Anne-Laure Buffet. To mark out the land, the lawnmower parent will also check the child’s frequentations, whatever their age, until they become intrusive and embarrassing towards our child. “There are parents who arrive at the crèche with extreme instructions such as asking that the floor be cleaned 18 times a day or that their baby be fed with such a spoon”she describes.
What consequences for children?
The children of these snowplough parents are sometimes nicknamed the “snowflakes”, because they consider them so fragile that it is necessary to be able to pick them delicately like flakes. They are treated with great attention, gentleness, tenderness and wonder. “It starts from a good feeling, but the risk is to make tyrants of them”she warns.
Other consequences for the child according to the therapist: he appropriates a distorted environment and will not know how to channel himself when he has to face danger. We also limit our autonomy and our creative exploration to discover what surrounds us: climb on the sofa, touch such an object. Everything is so secure that there is nothing more to discover.
They are also parents who can’t stand their child coming home from school with the slightest scratch or bad mark. Even if it means going to settle it themselves with his friends or his mistress. As a result, the child is at risk of having afraid of everythingto tend to stay in the background, to not knowing how to resolve conflicts. Some, on the contrary, will act like hotheads, unaware of the danger. “Being a mower parent is reassuring, we are convinced that we are ‘good parents’ by constantly putting them in safety”analyzes Anne-Laure Buffet.
Why do parents become overprotective?
According to her, doing so is generally indicative of a parental angst (anxiety, trauma, difficulties during pregnancy, death, illness of the child in the first years, etc.). “There is also a societal model, a very important guilt placed on the parents who we tend to gird up in two camps: the good and the bad parents and the good parents”. The latter practice excessive positive education, are hyper present, available, sometimes even overdoing it.
Mower parents and helicopter parents, what are the differences?
If the mowing parent takes the lead, acts upstream, rakes the lawn to smooth the path of his child, the helicopter parent, he is a bit like the firefighter, the SAMU, which arises at the slightest problem. In effect, “He is always present, hoveringto watch that something is not happening and in which case, disembark immediately to come and settle it at its place”, notes the therapist. He gets out of his bed and takes his baby in his arms at the slightest night crying, at the first argument or as soon as he bumps or falls, even if it is not a priori serious. The chopper parent is there, ready to intervene, console and find solutions. If his intention is good, by preventing his child from being confronted with the slightest difficulty, frustration or violence, he prevents him from knowing these states. Result, “on becoming an adult, he will probably be unable to fit into life, to manage conflicts, without prompt outside intervention to shelter or defend him”, she warns. Conversely, he can also be very aggressive, tyrannical, angry since he will not support frustration, refusal or opposition.
What also characterizes the children of helicopter parents is their lack of self-confidence. In effect, “if they have seen their parents manage everything for them, it gives the feeling that they are not able to do it themselves”, decrypts Anne-Laure Buffet. Finally, later, they risk falling into a form of affective dependance to another, thinking that love means being protected, which distorts the affective relationship.
What is a tiger parent?
The tiger parents, sometimes also nicknamed the “dragon relatives” rely on the success of their offspring. They thus embark on a race for excellence and, to achieve this, do not hesitate to use severity and to be very (even too) demanding. This requires a strict framework where discipline is master, but also by the multiplication of cultural activities more likely to educate their offspring: museum visits, language stays, in addition to their extra-curricular activities. The consequences for the child are just as harmful: anxiety, feeling of perpetual pressure, lack of fulfillment and “pleasure” activities. The risk, too, is that the child does not live up to parental demands and loses self-confidence. Although his parenting is toxic, the tiger parent also aspires to the best for his child, either by reproducing the pattern he has received, or by adopting this behavior, certain that this is what he needs.
If one identifies with one of these parental behaviors, the therapist advises to start by going to consult. The idea is to try to understand why we need to be present with our child so much, fear that he will suffer or want him to excel. Then, we give him more autonomy and we are less omnipresent. He has the right to bump into each other, to argue with a friend, to get a bad grade. “It’s important to accept seeing him sometimes frustrated, sad or angry and that we are helpless. Our role is not to solve everything for its place, but to help it grow by letting it also flourish”remember Anne-Laure Buffet.
She also qualifies this tendency towards parental stigmatization: we can all be at times parents tigers, mowers or helicopters, without necessarily being fixed. For example, the first months of our child’s life, we will tend to mark everything out and be careful that he does not hurt himself, because he is fragile and dependent. Then, we will be a bit like helicopter parents, that is to say, we will let him do his experiments, while staying close by to be able to intervene in case he gets hurt. Finally, the more he will grow, the more we will become tiger parents. In other words, we will impose on him a reassuring, loving framework, but with rules to guide him towards his own success. “It’s all about dosage and duration”concludes the therapist.