Finally “Jurassic park 6” is here. Or “Jurassic world 3”. Shit same. It has been at least four years since the dinosaur island of Isla Nublar was wiped out in a volcanic eruption. The lizards have spread around the world and now they cause traffic problems and all sorts of chaos for humanity.
The film’s hero Buck Plankchest (Chris Pratt) and the girl (Bryce Dallas Howard) have retreated to a snow-covered mountain range where he works as a dinosaur cowboy while they both try to be the guardians of the teenage DNA experiment Maisie (Isabella Sermon).
But one day, skimmers show up and kidnap both Maisie and the tame velociraptor Blue’s cute kid. Our hero Butch Deadlift and the girl set out to rescue them. The tracks lead them to the underground dinosaur market in Malta where Thick McRunfast and the girl team up with a Han Solo figure (DeWanda Wise), who flies an antique propeller plane to really emphasize how much MATINÉ everything is.
At the same time, something incomprehensible happens with large grasshoppers and here somewhere the screenwriters push Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Sam Neill into the action with a giant shoehorn, which is a fucking turn for without them I would have really fallen asleep.
Here are all the tedious ingredients that belong to a modern summer blockbuster. A throng of protagonists who take each other out so much that the film is not really about any of them. An act that is both stupid and difficult to understand at the same time. A character who is just as lesbian as Chinese film censorship allows.
Occasional scenes that will remind us of roughly similar scenes in an old movie from our childhood. Blunt social criticism. Hunting, hunting, hunting. On foot, by car and plane, on horseback and motorcycle. Hell what a hunt.
To quote Jeff Goldblum in an old movie from the 90’s: “That is one big pile of shit”.
Although we will at least see a giganotosaurus for the first time. Please take off your sunglasses slowly and stare with your mouth open in Spielberg’s amazement.
Laura Dern and Sam Neill return in “Jurassic world: Dominion”. Press image.
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