Learning good values is one of the keys to education. But this sentence that many parents want to hear from their child would be counterproductive, according to this expert.
Children are angels, but sometimes also turbulent: they get into mischief, argue between brothers and sisters, bite their classmates or fight, snatch candy or a toy from their neighbor’s hands… It’s their own way of expressing their emotions, defending themselves and asserting themselves. In such situations, parents try to respond as mediators and ask their child to apologize for the inappropriate behavior, or for the harm that may have been done to another child. “We don’t knock! Go say sorry to him“, is often the sentence that children are asked to say, but according to this therapist, these forced apologies would not be the best way to manage the conflict.
Deena Margolin, a therapist specializing in toddlers, explains that by doing this, parents are not really teaching their child “to feel sorry or to show compassion.” In summary, children tend to repeat this phrase, to mumble, in order to be able to move on, and attend to other activities, but above all to put an end to this public shame. And many times, they are not so “sorry” for doing this.
To make them aware that their behavior may be hurtful, experts advise instead helping the child feel empathy, so that they can apologize more sincerely. “If your goal is to help your child develop empathy after hitting, avoid a forced apology and instead direct their attention to the fact that the other child also has feelings“, explains the specialist. Ask her for example:”your sister is crying because you took her toy. How do you think she’s feeling right now?” Then let your child give you an answer before offering to go see her to help her feel better and apologize.
And to avoid repeating this type of behavior the next time, she recommends working with your child on techniques that will allow them to regulate their frustrations in the future:Was it difficult for you to share your ball? Next time, instead of hitting, what could you do?‘ These open questions have the advantage of encouraging the child to become aware of their actions.