Photo: Bildbyrån + SVT
She deliberately doped herself to end her career.
Then a depressed Ludmila Engquist tried to end her life.
“I had decided that I didn’t want to live anymore. When the decision is made, the anxiety goes away and a strange relief sets in”, she writes in her new autobiography “Ludmila – Swedes can’t be anyone”.
She was the Russian who became a Swede, who later won Olympic and World Cup gold in the 100 meter hurdles wearing blue and yellow. She won the Bragdguldet in 1997 and the Jerring Prize in 1996 and 1999. Ludmila Engquist60, was beloved in his new homeland. But beneath the surface bubbled a dark self-hatred.
Ludmila had a very difficult and difficult upbringing in the former Soviet Union. As a child she was beaten and raped. Already at 17 – when she gave birth to her first child – she injured her pelvis. As an adult, she has been forced to experience what it is like to have both breast and back cancer. Life has certainly not been easy for Engquist.
Own words about the suicide attempt
In her new autobiography “Ludmila – Swedes can’t be anyone” she tells, with the help of the authors Johar Bendjelloul and Henry Johnsonabout how she stood on the brink of ruin in 2001. She felt terribly bad mentally.
After her track and field career, she had suddenly decided to start betting on bobsleigh – but she quickly regretted it. She loathed the new sport. The plan was to deliberately dope himself with anabolic steroids in order to get caught in a check and thus be forced to end his career. As a 37-year-old, she admitted her guilt and had to accept the people’s hatred.
A depressed Ludmila decided to take her own life. She overdosed on painkillers in her house in Altea, Spain.
“I laid down on the bed and waited for the liver to collapse,” she writes in the book.
Saved by ex-husband
She talks more about her decision to end it all.
“I acted calmly and purposefully, as if in a trance. It is a feeling that is impossible to explain to someone who has never been there. All consequential thinking ceases, you are completely contained within yourself. Loneliness is bigger than the world, it envelops you, dark and dense and soft like velvet. I had decided that I didn’t want to live anymore. When the decision is made, the anxiety goes away and a strange relief sets in,” she writes in the book.
It was the ex-husband Johan Engquist who finally managed to save Ludmila. He entered the bedroom through a window and called an ambulance. Once at the hospital, she underwent a stomach pump and miraculously survived.
READ MORE: Lars Lagerbäck puts his foot down and gives his honest opinion about Jon Dahl Tomasson and Hugo Larsson: “It’s bad of him”
Live by yourself today
Since the serious incident, she has lived a quiet life out of the limelight. She is no longer married to Johan – who over the years has been accused of being controlling and demanding of her.
– With the separation, I feel more free in thought, I finally get to do and think what I want. It is absolutely not an easy situation, but of course I feel more free. It is perhaps also cowardly to stay where it is comfortable, but I am 60 soon so I choose the most comfortable way to live, she has said in SVT.
“Perhaps I was sometimes overprotective, but never tried to control her. She has her own will, and it is extremely strong, and I have tremendous respect for her for that!”, Johan Engquist wrote in a message to Sportbladet.
The book “Ludmila – Svenskare kan ingen vara” will be released by Bokförlaget Forum on Friday, September 13.
You can turn here if you feel unwell
► SOS Alarm 112
In emergency situations or thoughts of suicide, always call 112.
► Mind Suicide Line 90101
Helpline for people with suicidal thoughts. Open around the clock. Telephone number: 90101.
Chat: chat.mind.se
► Care guide 1177
Healthcare advice and information about the nearest psychiatric emergency department. Telephone number: 1177
www.1177.se
► Priest on duty
Telephone number: 112, every day from 21:00 to 06:00
Svenskakyrkan.se/jourhavandeprast
► Friend on call
Accepts calls from children and young people up to 25 years of age. Chat service weekdays from 18:00 to 22:00, weekends from 14:00 to 18:00.
durhavandekompis.se
► On-call fellow
Telephone number: 08-702 16 80, every day from 21:00 to 06:00.
► Bris, Children’s rights in society
Telephone number: 116 111, every day, around the clock.
Adult telephone: 0771-50 50 50, weekdays from 9 am to 12 noon
Chat: Every day, 24 hours a day.
http://www.bris.se/?pageID=189
► Save the Children helpline
Have you moved to Sweden? are you young Do you want to talk to someone? The Save the Children helpline answers in Arabic, Dari, Pashto, Somali, Tigrinya, Swedish and English. Also for parents.
Telephone number: 0200-77 88 20. Every day from 15:00 to 18:00.
► Spes – suicide prevention and survivor support
Telephone number: 020-18 18 00, telephone hotline every day 19–22.
spes.se
► Suicide zero
Facts and advice about suicide.
https://www.suicidezero.se/fakta-och-rad
This is so sad to read about. Ludmila has really lived a difficult and hard life that no human deserves to do. Hope you find peace and quiet. Hugs of strength!
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