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Omnipresent in our lives and our apps, does artificial intelligence play a role today in the way we approach our romantic relationships? Without a doubt, answers a psychoanalyst specializing in emotional disorders. And here’s how.
In our modern society, artificial intelligence (AI) is now everywhere, including in the field of romantic relationships. But do our dating apps and algorithms have the power to shape our romantic relationships? And to what extent can they transform our conception of love and our capacity to engage? Christian Richomme, a psychoanalyst, author and therapist in Paris, specializing in emotional disorders, has studied the question. Here’s what he says about it.
AI has transformed our dating sites
Dating platforms have continued to evolve at the pace of technology. From interest questionnaires in the 2000s, we have moved today to sophisticated algorithms capable of predicting the compatibility between two people, based on the time spent on the photos and profiles observed. Big names like Tinder, OkCupidAnd Bumble analyze user data to refine “matches” and improve the quality of recommendations.
“However, this optimized compatibility often creates unrealistic expectations” warns Christian Richomme. The choice is made more based on what the algorithm offers, thus reducing the amount of unpredictability and spontaneity in romantic relationships. “Psychologically, this “algorithmic compatibility” can diminish our ability to accept the imperfections of others, which plays a crucial role in forming authentic and lasting connections.”
(Modern) fears arise in the face of romantic failure
By optimizing dating, AI also creates new forms of relationship pressure and anxiety. When faced with a relationship that is failing, the question of “why” often comes up, and many place this doubt on the algorithm itself.
“Users ask themselves: “If the AI suggested this person to me as compatible, why didn’t it work?” These questions accentuate fears of romantic failure, feeding a feeling of guilt or of frustration” analyzes the expert.
The fear of romantic failure also pushes some people to take refuge in an endless quest for compatible partners. “From a psychoanalytic perspective, this dynamic represents a form of defense mechanism against true intimacy, which involves facing the vulnerability and unpredictable aspects of the other. AI thus becomes a protective “shield”, behind which to hide, rather than risking a relationship where failure or disappointment is possible, even inevitable.
AI also acts as a love coach
Faced with the challenges of dating, certain applications now integrate “virtual assistants” or “love coaches” to guide their users in their relationship choices. These emotional support AIs are programmed to offer personalized advice and help users overcome their insecurities. For some, these virtual coaches become a kind of pocket therapist.
However, if these new type of coaches are rather comfortable (they give their advice without judging you), they do not really prepare you for a real meeting… with all the unforeseen events that go with it.
“In psychoanalysis, transference is a process by which a person projects their unconscious feelings and desires onto another person. In the case of AI love coaches, the user offloads their emotional needs onto a machine. This can create a zone of relational comfort, where we escape the risks of rejection, conflict or abandonment, at the risk of reducing our ability to engage in a real relationship.
New standards set in the quest for love
AI has also introduced a new standard in the quest for love. Studies show that more than 40% of users of dating platforms are influenced by suggested “matches”, thus becoming very demanding of partners. “This requirement can harm the spontaneity of the relationship, by creating idealized expectations, based on optimized, or even inaccessible, criteria” criticizes Christian Richomme. Furthermore, the notion of “compatibility” becomes reduced to logical and predictive criteria, limiting our openness to unexpected encounters… which can be the most interesting!
Love is based in part on the mystery and the unknown that the other represents. “By seeking to calculate and optimize everything, we risk losing part of the very essence of love, which is often born from unforeseen events and imperfections..
By searching for the “perfect partner,” we move away from human complexity.
Knowing how to seek authenticity in a world of algorithms
Ultimately, AI can facilitate dating and provide emotional support. However, it does not replace the authenticity of a human encounter whatever people say. “The real one privacy develops in moments of vulnerability, where we accept the imperfections of others and our own, outside of any calculation” reminds the therapist. “Love is an act of faith and letting go, which cannot be totally controlled or directed by an algorithm.”
So let’s try to keep in mind:AI can guide us, inspire us and even enrich our relationships, but it remains a tool, never a substitute for the emotional, imperfect and deep journey of human love..
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship