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It is not uncommon to look for a partner who will be able to balance us on a daily basis, and “complete” us. But is this approach, often unconscious, the most promising in terms of harmony in the couple? A psychiatrist gives her opinion.
There are many ways to be attracted and choose a partner in life. But one way that comes up regularly, in the speech of many lovers, is to have searched for and found the person who “completes” them. Is it so important?
The idea of a complementary couple is often the most attractive
This complementarity that can be found in the couple is, moreover, praised to the skies. As presented by Christine Adams, a psychiatrist in the media Psychology Todaythe book Build the Life You Want, Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey, for example, claims that relationships require complementarity in order to feel complete as a person.
The idea that often persists is that couples who complement each other are the happiest and least conflictual, and that in any case, we naturally move towards this outcome. But the psychiatrist does not entirely agree with this observation: according to her own research, couples based on complementarity can face more conflicts and breakups. But why?
Why do we seek a complementary partner? (and why it is an illusion)
To find out where the “squeak” comes from, it is necessary to take the subject at its root: why do we want a partner who completes us. For the expert, it is a logical process: each person admires the traits that they lack but that they find useful in the other person. “How I wish I could be that sociable and outgoing,” thinks a shy and inhibited person.”I wish I was more reserved and shy sometimes.”thinks a party-goer. The alliance seems the solution to have a little of this quality that one does not necessarily have oneself.
But according to the psychiatrist, this way of thinking contains a mistake: crossing the opposing traits of each partner does not necessarily give rise to a balanced couple.Individual traits and personality characteristics belong separately to each person. This is how each person functions, thinks and behaves, in roles that are specific to him or her. she says. An extroverted person, for example, remains extroverted in their relationship, while a person who takes care of others does too. The pattern can therefore result in an imbalance: one person gives and the other takes, which can be a source of conflict.
“Such thinking is irrational, because the fullness they desire is not realized. Relational balance is not the same as a person having balance within themselves.”
Eventually, realizing that the other person will not change their own balance can lead to fatigue, weariness, or even anger. A breakup or divorce can result.
While it is not always easy to see clearly in one’s own attraction during a meeting, the psychiatrist nevertheless offers a series of reflections which can prevent you from being disappointed in the long term.
- Discover your own personality and role. Do you like to provide or receive support in romantic relationships above all;
- Discover the types of people you are attracted to. And realize that such attractions can be reinforced by romantic feelings, but can turn against you over time;
- By looking at your past, discover the types of people you are attracted to and why. Recognize the ones that didn’t lead to the best choices for you;
- Don’t just hang out with people you have a huge crush on, but try to introduce some thought about the compatibility of your personalities.
Easier said than done probably. As they say, the heart sometimes has its reasons that reason ignores.
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