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When do you stop being a parent? Some believe that one never stops being one, while others believe that their role ends once their offspring reach adulthood. But at a time when higher education is getting longer and entry into the job market is becoming more precarious, parents often find themselves caring for their children well after they come of age. Decryption.
For Marie-France and Emmanuel Ballet de Coquereaumont, “there is no such thing as parents of adult children”. These two psychopractitioners believe that parenting is “a fixed-term job, not a permanent contract”, as they declared in 2021 to the magazine Psychologies. However, this statement does not reflect the experience of many parents. The Internet is full of testimonies from Internet users, often in their forties or fifties, who continue to take care of their adult children. “My 24-year-old son came back to live at home five months ago. He drives my car and lives with us for free until he gets his life back together“, can we read on the forum Reddit.
This situation is far from exceptional. In the United States, 57% of 18-24 year olds were staying with their parents in 2023, according to figures from the Pew Research Center. This is more than in 1993 (53%), the previous year observed. This phenomenon is growing in the United States, but also in France. In 2020, approximately 4.92 million adults lived at home, according to the Abbé-Pierre Foundation. The majority of them were between 18 and 24 years old, although there are also a significant proportion of adults over 25 years old.
Some of these young adults never left the family nest, while others returned after an initial departure. The causes of these returns are multiple: financial insecurity, shortage of affordable housing, financial difficulties but also romantic breakup or depression. In recent years, these cohabitations have become so frequent that sociologists have invented a term to designate these young adults who return to mom and dad. We talk about “boomerang children”.
Parents often feel ambivalent emotions at the idea of seeing their older children linger in the family cocoon. Most of them are happy to be able to help their toddlers and spare themselves the anxiety of the “empty nest”. But on the other hand, they don’t want the situation to drag on. Because accommodating an adult child is not without difficulty. The rules of cohabitation are not the same as when the child was still under the legal responsibility of the parents. You have to adapt to a new pace of life and rethink your habits.
A sometimes stormy cohabitation
But one point remains particularly thorny: that of participation in the daily life of the home. On social networks, a large number of parents complain about the lack of initiative of their older children. They regret that their offspring do not take care of household chores and do not contribute more to family expenses. Worse still, she feels that she does not have to take care of this domestic work.
“Young adults who have tasted freedom no longer consider that the “house rules” (like picking up your things, warning that you won’t come home one evening, etc.) apply to them. They are “adults”; why should they be accountable to anyone?“, explains Karen Lewis, a TikToker better known as @lollyoftwo, in moon of his publications.
@lollyoftwo It’s so important to set boundaries before letting adult kids move back home. How will they contribute to the household? Rent? Pay a bill? Pick up chores? Buy their own food? Most importantly, how ling will you allow them to live there? “Working parents spend more than $1,000 per month on adult kids’ bills.” I read a recent survey on Savings.com. Among the findings: 62 percent of adult children living with parents “don’t contribute at all to the household expenses.” Yeah, I feel this. But our two living back at home are contributing in small ways – one is doing yard work and. Ither chores while waiting to ship out to boot camp, one is paying for their own groceries. Its still hard. Hard because we all have to find our right place. Parents whose stop being parents (and worrying), no matter how old the kid. Young adults who have had a taste of freedom on their own no longer feel “household rules” (like picking up after yourself, letting us know you aren’t coming home one night, the list goes on) apply to them. They are “grown” so why should they answer to anyone? Parents, if you’re in the same place ss I am, I would sure appreciate knowing how you have made it work and STILL have a good relationship with your adult kids. We all love one another, but we don’t always like one another. #parentingadultchildren #parentingtips #adultkidsstillathome ♬ Cold – Chris Stapleton
Enough to cause misunderstandings and even tensions. Over time, parents may feel that their well-being is deteriorating while living with their older child. But unfortunately, it’s not just an impression. In 2018, researchers from the London School of Economics and Political Science studied the quality of life of parents aged 50 to 75 forced to welcome their offspring back into their homes, in 17 European countries. It appeared that it decreased on average by 0.8 points, the same as a disability due to old age such as having difficulty moving or dressing.
“[L]he return of adult children to the family home has negative consequences on the well-being of parents“, said Dr. Marco Tosi, one of the co-signatories of the study, in a statement. “When children leave the parental home, marital relations improve and parents find a new balance. They are enjoying this new stage of their lives, finding new hobbies and activities. When adult children return to live at home, this balance is disrupted“.
But then, how to get out of it? Should parents double-lock their doors so that their older child is not tempted to return to the family home, as a TikToker named @simplydeliciousdessertz humorously suggests in a video ? The question is more complex than it seems. Many parents believe that it is their duty to support their offspring, at all costs. Some therefore decide to consult coaches specializing in parent-child relationships in adulthood for help, or to read books on the subject. But generally speaking, many give up and wait patiently for their older toddler to become independent. Crossing his fingers that he doesn’t become a “full-time child”, like many young Chinese people.
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